Sexy Weakness: The Sexual Power of Emotional Vulnerability

I want to share an insightful story today from a friend of mine about the power of VULNERABILITY in intimate and sexual relationships—especially new ones!

Identifying as a MAN in this modern day forces us to confront two things:

1. This God-awful advice about how we need to perform to impress others

2. The pressure to hide our emotional experiences

In a nutshell, suppressing emotions suppresses authenticity. When our true selves are not there, we HAVE to perform, and when we HAVE to perform we come across as extremely needy to women. Being this way makes it highly unlikely to attract a high-quality partner that suits us, and even if we do attract someone we like, the sex will probably be mediocre and disappointing.


The PROBLEMATIC TRUTH is that men perform because we don’t feel like we are good enough. We are afraid of being judged by women and made small in their eyes. We are often fearful that our desires will be considered pathetic and inadequate, so we try and disguise them and put on a show instead, running rehashed lines and predetermined conversation.

And although we may find ourselves interacting with others, we end up SACRIFICING CONNECTION—which is what we truly want more than anything else.

And yet we consistently get in our own way ALL of the time.

AND IT HURTS LIKE HELL!

As connection is the only reason that any of us are alive in the first place, this cyclic self-sabotaging behavior is incredibly painful.

At the end of the day, it’s the little boy inside of us that is crying out for love and attention. He wants to be cared for and nurtured. When he doesn’t know how to get what he wants, we (as adults) get ANGRY, we get RESENTFUL, and we DISTANCE ourselves from committing emotionally and vulnerably with people in both romantic AND sexual ways.

Because even when we get together with someone, those hidden insecurities never leave. They end up manifesting in other ways—such as the fear that we won’t be able to “perform” sexually or that we don’t really “deserve” the love of our partner. Our insecurities tells us that our partner has a hidden agenda to deceive or abandon us.

I really do. I’ve been hurt quite a lot. I’ve been manipulated, cheated on, made small, etc. But I also recognize how I’ve made mistakes in my past relationships. I own my shadow, and I have discovered a way that the shadow can be one of my most powerful weapons. The secret is vulnerability.

My Story of Vulnerability

After I graduated from college I was so much looking forward to life beyond school—especially a life beyond the hurtful and shallow relationships that I attracted during that time in my life. I wanted deep, meaningful emotional connection with a conscious, high-quality woman. I wanted an incredibly fulfilling sexual relationship. And I was feeling more free than ever before.

So I went to Massachusetts that summer and fulfilled a dream I had of working intensively in retreat with a teacher that I had learned quite a lot from for years on my own. At that retreat, I met a woman 12 years my senior, who I forged an immediate connection with.

We easily talked for hours about spirituality, qi gong, our pasts, our dreams, sexuality, and so many other passions. I was astounded that I had made such a cool friend so quickly—and that she seemed to be into me!

After a couple days of being in such a beautiful retreat space together learning powerful and activating techniques, we grew closer and closer, eventually shared a kiss, and, on the third day, spent the night together.

And although we both wanted to have sex—inside, I was actually scared.

Scared of what? Not being good enough. Not deserving such a deep connection. Not LASTING LONG ENOUGH for her—which is also the same as not feeling good enough. I entered her, and I felt my anxiety mount, and I felt my stamina wither as my stress built.

And then something incredible happened: I communicated everything. I was still inside her and told her exactly how I felt. I said that I was feeling inadequate and unworthy. I said that I was worried about not lasting long enough. I told her that all of this made me incredibly anxious and that I really wanted to please her.

She looked into my eyes with such deep, penetrating love and understanding—and all of the anxiety in my body melted away. We made love for hours that night—and pretty much every night after for the next week. All because I was willing to be vulnerable, to be seen, to be ENTIRELY NAKED not just in my physical body, but in my emotional body as well. My life was different after that.

The Common Thread of Our Dreams

I’ve spoken to a lot of men about what they want, and a lot of it comes down to just a few things:

*Freedom
*Joy / Happiness
*Ease / Contentment
*Love

And it’s so rare to find someone who has all of those things because they all depend on each other, and they really do all require true authenticity, vulnerability, self-knowing, and the ability to communicate boundaries and desires.

If someone can work on all of those things, intimate, emotional, and sexual ease are natural byproducts, as is attracting the PERFECT PARTNER for you and your life.

THIS IS WHY I’VE DEVOTED MY LIFE TO THIS WORK.

When I work with men on moving through their emotions of fear, anger, sadness, and frustration, what I have found is that these emotions are actually the keys to the true masculine power that so many people feel is missing from their lives. Balance with the feminine is also inevitable, and so is creating the loving relationships that we ALL want.

I WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU.

If you resonated with this story, I would love to hear why or have you tell your own story down below.

So grateful to have this engaged community to share each other’s sexual and intimate truths!

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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California Dreamin’ – 1982 to 1984 – Tim’s Wife Donna

It was the summer of 1982. I was living in Los Angeles. Me and my bass player Frank were hanging out at our friend Tim’s house just chilling out, drinking and heating up the BBQ Pit. We and the band met him one night at Gazzari’s on Sunset Strip. Tim used to play guitar in the band Scandal before they made it big. (Which sucked for him, but he made a pretty good living as a session man in the music industry.) Tim went in to grab a couple of beers. He came out and said his wife was taking a bath and the door for it was in his garage in need of repair.

He had been drinking most of the day and dared me to quietly go to the doorway and watch her until she sees me and tells me to beat it. I think back now and a lot of the people I met in California in those days were kinky and crazy.

I always enjoyed a good dare and gladly accepted. Frank’s just sitting there laughing his ass off.

Tim’s wife Donna was smokin’ hot. I couldn’t believe my good fortune.

I remember walking through the house and by Tim’s studio. I’ll never forget that he had a white Marshall amplifier. I had a Marshall back then, but I’d never seen a white one before. (His had four 12 inch Celestion speakers in them.)

I got to the door and saw her laying back with a wash rag over her forehead & eyes. I decided to venture further. I quietly went in and sat on the toilet about 3 feet away. A couple of minutes passed and she sat up and removed the cloth. She let out a little scream.

“What are you doing here, Chaz?”

Her husband Tim would be pissed off.

“Tim dared me to come in here and watch you until you made me leave.” (I’ve never seen her nude)

“Is that so? I bet he assumed I would yell and scream and run you out of here.”

“I’ve already been watching you for several minutes and you’re even sexier than I’d imagined.”

She just then realized I could still see her.

“I guess I have no reason to cover up now.”

“So what do we do?”

“Hmm… How would you like to help me turn this around on him?”

I’m not sure, Donna. Tim’s half in the bag and what if he tries to kick my ass? I can’t let anything happen to this face.”

She winked at me. “I have an idea. You’ll get to watch me nude until he finally comes in to see what’s up.”

I was immediately game.

Her idea was to get out of the tub and dry off. She said it would take her about 10 minutes to blow dry her hair. If he still wasn’t in she would put make up on, etc. in the nude until he did. She stood up and my excitement meter went from half mast to full mast by the time she was dry. I had gym shorts on and she made a few joking comments about how aroused I was. I was in a band and I’d already seen many things in my short rock and roll life, but I started blushing and my heart was pounding. This was a gorgeous 28-year-old woman.

I was but a boy.

A bad boy.

She then began blow drying her long dark hair. She was now purposely teasing me as she leaned over to dry the back with her bottom staring right at me with a nice view. She turned around smiling, and now I knew she was enjoying the show she put on for me. (Was Tim’s wife into me?) She finished with her hair.

“Follow me.”

She sat at her make up table. I was literally trembling as I sat on the edge of their bed.

Donna turned to face me and started rubbing lotion on her arms, shoulders and breasts which were as erect as I was.

“If he doesn’t come in soon he’ll wish he had, Chaz.” and laughed.

She was now rubbing lotion on her belly. “You should really enjoy this.”

With that she lifted a leg and slowly worked her way up to her hips. In this position I could see everything wide open in front of me. What I’m seeing could only be described back then as two slices of rare roast beef between two hot dogs that had been dropped on a barber’s floor.

Beautiful in 1982. Women still had hair down there back then. My young mind was melting down.

“I’m actually in pain, Donna.”

She laughed. “You can’t leave me until he comes in.”

She then shifted her other leg up and when she got to her knee, Tim walked in. What he saw was me sitting on the edge of his bed with a woody impossible to hide and his wife about 3 or 4 feet in front of me spread eagle and smiling ear to ear.

At first he was pissed off. “What the fuck?”

“Tim, you dared me to watch your nude wife until she made me leave. She never asked me to leave.”

I’m thinking I’m probably going to get my ass kicked and the friendship is over and Frank and I will be running down the hill to my VW mini bus.

“Donna… why the fuck did you think it was okay to spend about a half hour in front of Chaz nude with your legs wide open towards him?”

“I asked him why he thought it was okay to sneak in and watch me nude. He told me that you dared him to come up and watch me nude. I figured if you didn’t come up and tell him to get out, you apparently wanted me to be naked in front of him.”

Is this really happening?

He then laughed, (Thank God) “You turned the joke around on me and I guess I deserved it.”

He then went to her. “Weren’t you embarrassed to have him watching you?”
“I was at first but the thought of getting even made it worthwhile and that other than the big woody, Chaz was a good sport.”

She looked down at him. “It looks like you have the same problem now.”

We decided that they were going to make use of their bed and suggested I could sit in the chair she was in and relieve myself at the same time.

WHAT?

I declined, and let them have at it.

I limped out of their bedroom, and went back to the party out back.

Frank sees me.

(In his thick Belfast accent) “Where the fuck’ve you been, mate?”

I’ll tell you on the way home. Hand me one of those beers.

 

What a crazy time it was back then.

But this wouldn’t be the last time there would be an altercation with Tim’s wife, Donna.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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