5 Types of Men Women Find Attractive

Pop culture and online forums have depicted this vision of idealized masculinity that we think we need to become in order to be lucky in love.

If you want the people you ask out to say yes, you need to strive to be the perfect man — handsome, muscular, rich. A real man’s man, essentially. And frankly, If you’re all of those things already, you probably don’t spend too much time reading posts about how to get more people to swipe right on you.

The real truth about dating success is that, because everyone wants something a little bit different, your best bet isn’t to transform yourself into a totally different person. Instead, you must find the best version of yourself and work on becoming that.

Yes, there’s more than one type of dream guy. You might know that already, but it’s genuinely something that lots of guys don’t seem to realize.

Meaning, in a room full of 30 guys all trying to be the same guy, the guy who goes in the opposite direction is going to have a whole lot more success on dating apps. Why, you ask? Well, because all the people who find that confident macho man thing a little over-the-top and are looking for something different will notice him immediately.

If you’ve been wasting time wondering how you’re going to be the type of suave, classically attractive guy who could become the spokesperson for a cool beer company, it’s time to switch up your thinking. Instead of that, you need to figure out what the most date-able version of you is, and work on becoming that guy.

To give you something to shoot for, here are five types of guys who don’t struggle to get dates. Sure, they might screw those dates up or leave a trail of burning wreckage behind them as they screw over one partner after another, but each one of these men possesses desirable traits that make people want to go out with him — and make people willing to overlook his other flaws.

1. Wise Guys

The phrase “wise guys” has a number of different meanings, so it’s important to clarify what’s meant here first. This isn’t mafia-style “wise guys” at all, it’s not the biblical three wise men and it’s not sarcastic guys, like, “Oh, you’re a wise guy, eh?”

What’s sexy are really, genuinely wise guys — guys who have wisdom. That means you understand the world, you’ve seen things and learned from them. It means you know that speaking is less important than listening, and you’re not one to make rash decisions.

Wisdom is often associated with age … and surprise! Lots of people find older guys sexy. Perhaps you’ve heard that the word “daddy” has sexual connotations these days?

But you don’t need to be greying at the temples, or bald and out-of-shape in order to be a wise guy. You just need to be someone who’s thoughtful, knowledgeable and willing to share what he’s learned.

Attempt to be a wise guy if: You’re experienced, knowledgeable, confident

Don’t attempt to be a wise guy if: You’re insecure, young, hot-headed

2. Fun Guys

Lots of dating advice advises guys that the best way to their crush’s heart is to make them laugh. And there’s some truth to that — if you can make someone laugh, there’s a good chance they think you don’t totally suck, which is a step towards attraction.

But the upshot of all that “funny is sexy” talk has been that some guys think flirting should be some kind of joke-based target practice … and that is not sexy. Nobody wants to feel like you’re funny-ing them to death.

What’s really sexy is fun guys. Guys who are fun to be around. And that can take many forms — the guy who’s always planning parties, down for anything, lives and breathes stupid puns, or the guy who’ll immediately befriend half the room at a party before the night’s barely begun.

Attempt to be a fun guy if: You’re friendly, funny, spontaneous

Don’t attempt to be a fun guy if: You’re self-serious, egotistical, stand-offish

3. Successful Guys

That’s not to say that serious can’t be sexy, either. You may have heard that celebrities are attractive, and a big part of that is that, well, success is sexy.

When you can do things that other people can’t do — when you can blow people’s minds, drop people’s jaws or make them stop and stare — you’re going to have a much easier time dating.

That doesn’t mean that being good at anything will do, of course; the world’s most talented male roller-blader isn’t necessarily swimming in first dates.

But a guy who’s good at something and who has translated that talent into tangible success? Who’s won awards, nailed down impressive jobs and made big money? That guy is sexy.

Attempt to be a successful guy if: You’re good at something, you’re driven, you’re ambitious

Don’t attempt to be a successful guy if: You’re easy-going, allergic to stress, unable to commit

4. Generous Guys

It’s clear that rich guys are sexy, right? Or are they? The idea that rich guys are some kind of dream catch comes from a mistaken idea about what, specifically, is desirable in a rich guy.

Money alone isn’t it. Rich guys are often sexy because they’re successful to begin with, and the possibility that they’ll spend those riches on you is tantalizing. But what that means is that it’s better to be a generous guy with not a ton of money than a selfish jerk with wads of cash.

That’s because generous guys are dream dates no matter how much money they have. They’re thoughtful, they’re kind and they care about other people’s experiences and feelings. This is the real dream — someone who’ll get you flowers, who’ll help you move and who’ll pay for dinner.

Attempt to be a generous guy if: You like making people happy, giving gifts, doing things for others

Don’t attempt to be a generous guy if: You’re selfish, ego-centric, hate splurging

5. Healthy Guys

There are lots of ways you can be healthy. Often, guys imagine this category filled with muscle-bound macho men, but the truth is that the oiled-up brolic bro is really only attractive to a very small number of people.

What’s really attractive? Guys who know how to take care of themselves. That could mean muscles, sure, but it could also mean great cardio, a healthy diet and no substance abuse.

It could also mean you know how to take care of yourself in the emotional sense. This is something a lot of guys struggle with. Talking about our emotions and processing our feelings is just not something most guys are taught growing up.

But if you’ve been able to overcome that hurdle — if you’ve been in therapy, if you’re comfortable crying here and there, if you’re not afraid of tough emotional conversations — you’re really quite the catch. It’s the 21st century; cavemen are very passé.

Attempt to be a healthy guy if: You’re well-adjusted, in good shape, love the outdoors

Don’t attempt to be a healthy guy if: You’re dishonest, always angry, over-rely on drugs or alcohol

No matter who you are, there’s a version of you who’s capable of going on lots of dates. You could worry that you’re undesirable in any number of different ways, but there’s more than one way to be sexy — and once you figure out which way works for you, you’ll be well on your way there.

 

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The 6 Real Reasons Men Usually Leave Women

It’s not what you think.

When partners are in agreement that they both want to move on, those endings are just part of life, and both people are willing to try again with someone else. It’s different when the decision is one-sided. If only one partner wants the relationship to continue, while the other is ready to end it, the person left behind is often left struggling to learn how to deal with a breakup and get over their heartbreak, while the other must bear the guilt of leaving.

Most people who leave a relationship are ready to move on. But some, after time passes, begin to regret their decision.

Once they have put the negative aspects of that past relationship behind, they begin to miss the good times. Haunted by having left someone they perhaps truly loved, they wonder if they should have tried harder to make the relationship work, and begin to search for that lost love.

They may find that their past partners are no longer available, and so they’ve missed their chance. But sometimes they find out that a past love is unattached, and the possibility that they might have another chance awakens a compelling desire to try again. Even if their feelings may no longer be reciprocated, they cannot walk away without finding out.

Partners who want to reconnect with an old love they’ve once left must make certain they understand what went wrong between them. Knowing whether their own characteristic behaviors were the problem can make the difference between succeeding or failing the second time around.

Over the years, I have made note of the most common reasons why he left you and abandoned your relationship prematurely.

1. He has a fear of commitment.

The fear of commitment is one of the most common reasons people cite for leaving relationships. Those partners have difficulty understanding the difference between commitment and entrapment. They often feel pressure to make promises they may not be able to keep, especially on the other end of someone who is ready for a long-term relationship.

If one partner feels that the other wants a commitment and isn’t ready, he or she will sense that desire as a potential trap. Feeling locked into a relationship that might lose its allure feels too scary.

When a relationship no longer has new discoveries to experience, has continual conflict, or loses its attraction, most people pull back their energy and resources. The fear of commitment will logically become a fear of entrapment when relationships stop evolving and regenerating.

People who see commitment as entrapment may not be able to imagine a long-term relationship that doesn’t feel potentially confining or obligated. If they go back to a relationship they once left behind, they must redefine and resolve that fear, or the same behavior will likely recur.

2. He lacks the readiness for a long-term relationship.

Many people feel unable to stay in a permanent relationship because they don’t feel wise or experienced enough to promise a future they cannot foresee. They don’t know themselves deeply enough to predict what they might want someday and are not ready to stop exploring other alternatives that might be better.

This inability and unwillingness to foresee what might happen is natural in young adults, but older people can also feel unable to predict who they might yet become. It is not wrong or necessarily immature to opt for pleasure, to choose a life of continuing adventure, to embrace constant new discoveries, or to enjoy novel situations.

There are quality people who should never be in a long-term relationship. Though those intertwinements offer security, shared memories, and mutual dreams for the future, they require that both partners maintain their devotion and continue to regenerate their love.

When people want that security but cannot give up their freedom, they must ultimately make a choice. They may leave relationships that feel wonderfully satisfying but anticipate they will need to move on someday.

3. He wishes to go back to an unfinished relationship.

It is totally possible to love more than one person at a time. Many people leave relationships, even though they still have strong feelings for the other person, to recommit to a new partner. They rationalize leaving because there were just too many problems, or they felt unfulfilled.

After time elapses, the partner in a new relationship begins to face a new set of problems. He or she begins to remember the magical moments of their past love.

Negatively comparing the present relationship to the one that’s gone, memories pervade consciousness, and the present relationship dims in importance. The desire to go back to the old love intensifies, and the present relationship becomes a casualty.

4. He doesn’t have faith in successful long-term relationships.

Childhood experiences compounded with sequential adult interactions heavily impact the trust anyone has in whether a long-term, quality relationship is even possible. Many people, for example, have parents who failed to stay together, often through disastrous interactions and painful outcomes.

When people allow their past experiences to determine their future options, they will love the romantic phases of new relationships but become easily discouraged when the lust/discovery/honeymoon period wears off. Instead of energetically embracing that next emerging state of deeper friendship and commitment, they begin to focus on what isn’t going right.

People become what they anticipate and get better at those choices as they practice. If they are looking for problems, they will find them and assume they are unfixable. Their basic, underlying unconscious mind tells them continuously that all relationships are eventually doomed, and they begin to make that a self-fulfilling prophecy.

To make an old relationship work, those naysayers must change their ways of thinking by understanding where their attitudes came from and how those limitations have affected the outcomes of their relationships. Otherwise, going back to lost loves after breakups will not work any better than it did the first time.

5. He prefers to choose easy over challenging.

Long-lasting, successful relationships take work, and the partners within them don’t shirk that commitment. They know that their continuing regeneration is absolutely dependent on continuing to care deeply about each other and the relationship.

When relationship seekers don’t understand that basic principle or aren’t willing to put in the effort, they often pick partners who don’t ask much of them. The relationship doesn’t need much but also doesn’t offer much in the long run.

Boredom is often the result of a too easy, too predictable relationship, which may be why he left you. All human beings seek security, but also need novelty and challenge to be at their best. When relationship seekers opt for easy, they risk becoming involved in a relationship that will cease to hold their attention.

As boredom increases, many partners will seek novelty and excitement outside the relationship. The couple begins to spend less time and energy on the relationship, and the distance between them increases.

6. He lacks the skills to transform romantic feelings to deeper love.

When love is new, it is often spectacularly intense and magically seductive. New lovers are spellbound — enraptured and captured by the experience of each other. Both put their best feet forward, keep their liabilities hidden, and devote themselves selflessly to the needs and desires of their new partners. They willingly put all other involvements on the back burner, offering all of their resources first to each other.

People who have not learned the skills to transform their romantic feelings into deep love and conviction come to a halt when the love/lust part of the relationship naturally wanes. They have had either the unrealistic expectation that those feelings should always be there throughout the length of a relationship, or have never known the wonder of deeper love.

When they are no longer enamored and caught up in the seductive process of new connection, they fear that they will never experience those feelings again.

Before anyone tries to go back to a prior love, they must look deeply into their own reasons for why they chose to leave before.

Do they pick the same kind of partners that will never work, no matter how hard they try? Do they feel that any permanent decision in their lives is doomed to end in entrapment? Are they just not long-term relationship material? Do they always regret their past decisions? Do they have faith that any long-term relationship will work? Do they pick people who don’t challenge them, so they don’t have to think about long-term decisions? Have they never learned the skills to transform new love into mutually committed treasuring?

There are re-connections that do work, and beautifully, but those are the exceptions, not the rule. The chances of success are much greater if people know why they left, have changed their behaviors, have learned the skills to do it better the next time around, and have a willing partner at their side.

When a person is ready to do those things and has a welcoming, accepting partner, I have personally observed the heart-warming sweetness of these rekindled loves.

Randi Gunther is a clinical psychologist and marriage counselor. Her free relationship advice e-newsletter, Heroic Love, shows you how to avoid the common pitfalls that cause marriage problems, breakups, and divorce.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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