4 Things I Wish People Would Stop Saying to Single Women

A few words from one of our female readers.

I don’t talk much about my personal life, especially on the internet. Why? Partly because I tend to be a pretty private person, but also because I’m a single woman in my 20s. Mentioning my singledom, whether to friends and family or in passing online inevitably leads to a slew of uninvited comments. It definitely doesn’t help that I’m hitting that age where the people I used to eat lunch and talk about philosophy homework with are getting married and having children and posting it all over social media. And as genuinely nice as it is to have people asking about my life because they care about me, it’s also a little much sometimes — and my other single friends seem to run into a lot of the same things. So what are some of the most common things I hear? Here we go.

1. “Let me set you up with my (friend/coworker/brother’s roommate’s cousin)”

While I appreciate the thought, I really wish people would stop immediately trying to play matchmaker. While blind dates might work for Prince Harry and Meghan Markle, more often than not, they’re awkward and forced and the parties don’t actually turn out to have as much in common as the matchmaker thinks. Offers like these put me in an awkward spot: How do I gracefully decline without hurting your feelings or indirectly insulting your friend? If we’re actually close enough friends that I would go to you for dating advice, I promise I’ll ask you directly if I think that guy from your cooking class’s group Insta photo is cute. Otherwise, please let it be.

2. “You must not be trying hard enough.”

GIRL. Believe me, I have tried. I really have a hard time when people say this because it implies that dating is something like riding a bike or learning to speak French; an objective thing that can be “achieved” through sheer willpower and effort. But since you’re dealing with complex things like emotions and other human beings with emotions and free will, dating is not anything like that. Some of the single people I know have tried endless dating apps and hobby groups and all the “right” things and are still single, while some of the happiest couples I know met with almost no effort whatsoever, like something out of a movie. You can’t “try” to fall for someone or “try” to have a connection, either.

The corollary to this: I genuinely think people who say things like this don’t realize how much pressure it can put on the single person they’re talking to. For me, at least, I can get pretty up in my own head when it comes to dating, and it can be hard sometimes to remind myself that my single status is not a “failure” on my part, but a simple fact of circumstance. But when people say things like this, it puts me right back in that mindset — and that’s not conducive to trying to date either.

3. “You’re single? But you’re so (fill in positive adjective)!”

Uh, thanks, I guess? I never know what to say with this one. It’s like a weird backhanded compliment. But, surprise! Singledom is not the domain of the “flawed”; being single does not mean something is wrong with someone. Being attractive / smart / good at talking / whatever is not the only thing that’s important in dating. I know you think it’s a compliment, but from the other side of it, it doesn’t really feel like one. Plus, it’s super awkward to try to figure out a response to that. I can’t say “thank you” because it’s not really a compliment, but I feel like I should because it sort of is one. It’s just uncomfortable. Honestly, I’d rather talk about something related to whatever that trait is — that way, I know you see me as a whole person, not just with the big label “SINGLE” above all else.

4. Anything about how unhappy I must be, aka variations on “Don’t worry!”

OK, I’ll admit it: sometimes I do worry about dying alone. I’m pretty sure everyone who feels romantic attraction worries, at some point, about never meeting the love of their life. But here’s the thing: that doesn’t mean life doesn’t start until then. I’m passionate about my career and have a master’s degree to prove it. I love my friends and family. I have hobbies I enjoy. Pop culture so often portrays romance as the “missing puzzle piece” or something like that, but I don’t think of it like that. It’s more like moving into a different sized apartment: there’s nothing inherently wrong with a small one, life just expands in interesting ways.

The truth is, sometimes I’m unhappy about being single. The truth also is, sometimes I’m perfectly happy being single. There are even times when I’m unhappy and it has absolutely nothing to do with my relationship status. It’s not a one-size-fits-all thing, and it’s certainly not a small-talk topic of conversation. I get it: the people who say something along these lines really do care about me; they say it because they don’t want me to be unhappy. Assuming I’m unhappy single, though, makes me feel like the other things I do aren’t of value or aren’t enough to make a person happy.

What all of this really boils down to is this: please stop making assumptions about me just because I’m single. A relationship is certainly something I want, but it’s still super uncomfortable when everyone tries to give me unasked-for advice, and it puts me in an awkward spot because I know the questions and advice do come from a place of caring. But when it comes down to it, I’m so much more than my relationship status, and in most cases, I’d much rather talk about something related to my work or my hobbies or my friends. And someday when it’s time to introduce a wonderful guy, I’ll feel a lot better if I can feel comfortable knowing the first words out of my loved ones’ mouths won’t be “Oh, FINALLY!”

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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Phicklephilly – Special Report: Haters Gonna Hate

“Look onto your own bloody lives.” – John Lennon

Hello all. First of all I’d like to thank everyone of my followers and everybody who reads and enjoys my blog. I really appreciate the loyalty and enthusiasm of my audience. You’re the best group of creative, intelligent, lovely people I’ve ever encountered in the writing community.

So, Thank you all. I appreciate your words and your thoughts.

The reason for this blog’s success is all of you over the last 3 years. I’ve posted thousands of pieces and have had over 40,000 visitors and over 80,000 page views. I hope maybe I’ve helped a few folks out there with my dating and relationship advice and also I hope they enjoy all of my heartfelt stories and crazy dating experiences.

I’m proud and humbled by all of the attention for my little blog here in Philly.

Anyway, I wrote a piece back in 2017, (nearly 3 years ago!) and forgot about it. It was a goofy post about somebody I met on Bumble but never went out on a date with because they seemed a bit crazy.

Again, it was so long ago and I’ve written so much over the last few years I simply forgot about it.

Two days ago, I noticed a spike in my viewer stats. Frankly I was amazed. (5 times my usual daily views!) Initially I was astounded at all of the attention. I thought that maybe my blog had finally taken off as a literary force!

But when I looked closer I realized that someone, or a group of someones had found this old blog piece and attacked me.

This mad group of trolls crawled out of their caves, or out from under their rocks, or from under their bridges where they live to scare the Billy Goat’s Gruff! (hopefully some of you get the reference!)

They called me all sorts of names and were really mean.

There are thousands of these pigs out there and they love to attach themselves to successful people like blood sucking sea lampreys.

This is my blog, my words and my truth. I control every aspect of it and enjoy that part of it. I happily have to approve every comment that appears on this blog. (I have to because I get at least 50 spam posts a week and it’s all a bunch of nonsense that could hurt the integrity of the site’s function as well as WordPress.)

 

Someone once asked me how to deal with negative feedback. I told them this: “Positive feedback usually makes you feel good. (The warm fuzzy’s we all like from friends, loved one’s and coworkers) and Negative feedback. Negative feedback, when done respectfully and properly, improves your performance.

But what if the negative feedback is mean and unwarranted?

Sadly, every moron now has a voice. The internet. For hundreds of years the only voices you heard were in newspapers, radio, and TV. But since the invention of social media every idiot that wants to anonymously make a comment or attack a person to hurt them can now do it.

We’ve all read about these cowards. These internet bullies who have even hurt children and caused some poor troubled souls to even take their own precious lives.

They’re all despicable cowards that I have no time for. I’ve had my share in the last 3 years. There’s always someone out there who won’t agree with something you did to express yourself and write and create. Most of these morons that attack those of us brave enough to bare our souls through our literature and tell the truth about our live and experiences can barely put together a paragraph of any kind of rational thought.

If it happens to you, please take my simple advice:

It comes down to simple science. As a musician and a man of science, let me share this with you all.

In order for a sound to be made, you need two things. A Transmitter and a Receiver. The transmitter emits a sound, or a comment or anything. It needs a receiver to make a SOUND. With no receiver, there is NO SOUND. You need both to make a SOUND. So if some troll makes a negative comment about your art, simply don’t respond.

The negative comment never sees the light of day on your blog and it silences these fools and cowards who hide behind their computers. Because their lives are so empty, and vacuous they want to hurt those who are strong and have a real voice with their art.

Anyone who holds them out in the public eye with creative ideas will always be met with some adversity from morons who don’t have anything good going on in their lives and have nothing better to do than to attack people with real talent like all of you out there who are writers and artists yourselves.

So these broken transmitters bark their nonsense on your blog and make their snide comments and all you have to do is not approve their comments.

It’s that simple.

Laugh at what they wrote and toss it in your spam file. It’s nothing but trash and don’t let these morons have a voice.

No voice, equals no sound.

Scrape them from the sole of your shoe like you would any other bit of excrement.

Or, look at this way. I once wrote a manuscript for a book 20 years ago. It wasn’t very good and I sent it out to several publishers. I got tons of the usual rejection letters, but there was this one that struck me. She said I was a good writer but didn’t like all of the sex and violence in my work. I took it as an insult. I spoke with an artist friend of mine and he said, “No man, don’t you get it? She rejected your work, but she cared enough to tell you that your work disturbed her. It moved her to have a feeling. Whether it’s joy or revulsion, that’s what art does. It makes you feel something. You made her feel something. That’s a good thing!”

So sadly, in this day and age, haters are going to hate. They’re all a bunch of losers so don’t worry about them and don’t give them a voice.

Take control.

I’ve decided to cut and paste their words here in this blog piece that I control. I will hold these ugly trolls out to all of you, and I will show you what they are… but on my terms.

Here’s what these cowards said about me.

 

Alida 

Wow. Misogyny much?

First – do you have permission to share Ms. Smith’s images? Her name? Her comments to you, which were considered private? Have you no shame nor any concern about a lawsuit?

Second – What is it about you that you find so special and amazing? Looked through your blog here. You claim to be a gentleman, but your posts, especially this one, refute that.

Third – You dare to call yourself a writer, but what I have read from your site so far has been less than impressive. Venting is not writing.

 

 

John

Dear Mr. Hickle, If I were you I’d take this down immediately. You are grossly GUILTY of character defamation, labile, cyber bullying, and slew of other hate related crimes, as well as releasing her personal and confidential information without her consent. If this woman want to, she could sue with in an inch of your life. I know you didn’t like this person, but you are not only way out of line here, you are committing several felonies in the process by keeping this online.

 

 

K R

Honey…the only one with red flags in this exchange is you. Looks like Marey dodged a bullet there. Incel ghoul.

 

Chels

Wow… this is pretty ballsy…. publishing a woman’s images and name I assume without permission.

Glad you got your rocks off. Honestly looks like she dodged a bullet.

 

ashley

You would have been lucky to meet her, you douchebag. Looks like you though which is great because you should see Mary now! She’s a WONDERFUL woman and even an inspiration to me to stay positive no matter what life throws at you. You, my friend, never deserved that first date with Mary because you would have NEVER have been good enough. If only ONE thing you said was right about her then maybe you’d have something here but you never got to know this wonderful woman. Again, you’re a douchebag and have no place writing this bull shit with no actual FACTS to go on. Good luck in your endeavors, I hope woman on Bumble see this and avoid your ass too!spared her 

 

An Actual Writer

Hey Phickle—would you like to know how you come across, here? Do you know how it sounds when you add your bold-faced lies to your perspective?… Do you have any sense of personal accountability or introspection at all? (Rhetorical questions, obvi.)

This isn’t funny. *You* are not funny. I hope the women you’re attempting to meet catch wind of your site and steer clear.

 

Patty

This article is extramural cruel and unnecessary . I’m glad you have the time to purposefully put people down and look down on them for no reason. You are the definition of what a bully is put other people down and make fun of them to make your self feel better . I also love how you multiple time point out that your a lier wonderful quality dude ! She was better off with out you

 

ashley

So phicklephilly has changed the name of the person in this blog to protect their privacy rights… years after it’s been out there online.

I smell a lawsuit!! And one that NEEDS to be heard. Good luck Mr. Phicklephilly;)

 

Frank

Someone who describes themselves as having “been at this a while” has clearly got his own issues with relationships to deal with himself.

I wish I was cool enough to have a blog where I could judge random strangers based on one interaction.

I wonder if you’re still alone

 

E

You, sir, are an ass. First, you slander someone in your writing using her real name and photos, then suddenly its a “fictional story” after you get called out on it? No wonder YOU are/were single and on a dating site in the first place. Bullet dodged by everyone who didn’t date you. Grow up!!

 

 

What a collection of failures. All the poor grammar and bad spelling! 

Can you imagine taking the time out of your day to write the above nonsense and actually think that your little pathetic voice is heard by anyone who gives a damn about anything you have to say?

I thought I’d share what these morons said so you can all have a good laugh along with me as I continue to bring you quality content everyday…

Twice a day!

 

Oh… Here’s the best part. All of this nonsense, rage and curiosity caused an incredible spike in my traffic. Thank you trolls and haters.

In the last 48 hours I have had over 1200 page views. Thank you for getting me  closer to my 100,000 page view goal!

(Insert hysterical laughter here)

 

My father once said to me the following words, and it was one of the best pieces of advice he ever gave me.

“Son, the emptiest barrels make the most noise. Ignore them.”

 

Thank you one and all for your continued love and support! I’d love to hear your experiences with this sort of nonsense!

 

Koolkosherkitchen Forever!

 

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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