7 Things You Realize After Being in a Toxic Relationship

The hardest part after a breakup is waking up every morning confused about what you are feeling. Being torn between feeling hurt or empty, or both. Sleeping feels like the only way to shut the thousands of pictures and thoughts running through your mind. We look back on our past relationship and realize how happy we once were until it consumed us.

It is where we let our partner do most of the decisions that sometimes don’t benefit the relationship, just them personally.

We become in love with the idea of being with one another, but we forget to consider the consequences that come with it. We forget that cruelty and ignorance is not a normal thing. No matter how badly you were treated before, it’s never an excuse to do the same to other people. As humans, we always choose to believe in someone and forgive them despite feeling hollow in return. Reciprocation is never a big deal to us anymore, as long as we are able to give our best to them without even asking them to do the same thing in return. Anything less or too much is never enough, never just right. Therefore, most relationships fail.

Here are a few things I’ve learned after being in a toxic relationship:

1. The process of moving on and getting back on track is never the friendliest thing you could do to your aching heart but building yourself up again is.

And your future self will thank you for that. It won’t be easy. It might take hundreds of crying nights, consecutive days of breakdowns, and constantly asking yourself what you did wrong that put you in this situation.

2.You will have difficulty with opening yourself up again.

The trauma you’ve been through will be the biggest hindrance while you struggle with opening your heart again. You’ve been hurt so much that you built a wall around your heart in order to be safe. Pushing people away became your new defense mechanism. But remember that it is possible to open up again.

3.Trust is your biggest nemesis.

It’s hard to trust someone again after getting hurt. It makes you believe that all people who come into your life want to hurt you and that they will leave eventually. You will have difficulty with believing again. When someone will try to break your walls and assure you that they won’t hurt you, you won’t believe them. Because you’re used to hearing the same thing. It’ll be hard to trust again but remember that you will.

4.There will be days, not just days but nights of constantly asking yourself where you went wrong.

Overthinking will become your favorite hobby. From noon until midnight, you will have thoughts that continuously haunt you. You will always doubt yourself. You’ll always look back on the tiniest details of your shortcomings. You will ask yourself if you loved too little or too much. You’ll feel as if you didn’t do enough.

5.You’ll always question yourself if you are enough.

Because if you were, how come he didn’t stay? How come you are in a position where you constantly question your worth? But believe your friends when they tell you there’s nothing you did wrong and that you are enough. Because darling, you are. Your worth is never the reflection of his absence. It doesn’t make you less of a person just because they chose someone else over you. It’s never your fault that you were left behind. Because the hurt you are feeling is just a reminder of your ability to endure, and that you can love again. It’ll never be your weakness, it’ll be your greatest strength. Resiliency.

6.There will come a point in your life when all you want to do is to just play around.

It’s like seriousness has gotten out of your vocabulary. This is just a phase. You can date all you want without being in a relationship. It’s okay to seek, try, and discover things. There’s no pressure of being committed but also, never fear it. You’ll know when you’re ready because you’ll feel it. And it’ll take time.

7.Your deepest desire is to have one person who won’t leave you.

This is the hardest thing to take in. When you are used to being neglected, you will feel odd when someone treats you better. Most of the times, you won’t know how to react. You will think that this is just going to turn into another heartbreak because it’s too good to be true. They say chains of habit are too light to be felt until they are heavy enough to be broken. But they never said you won’t be able to. Sometimes, assurance disrupts weariness. But believing and trusting again is a difficult thing to do. So, remember not to fight against it. Instead, embrace it. Because this is exactly where you deserve.

When people tell you that someone will come along and make you believe in love again, trust them. Because someone will come along. But it takes patience. Sometimes, they come when you least expect them to. Or when you’re not ready. But they will come. Don’t allow the person who hurt you to keep a piece of your heart forever. There are things in life we regret doing and spend our time punishing ourselves for. But remember that the greatest thing you can ever do to heal is to forgive. Forgiveness brings clarity, and clarity heals. The things that hurt us feel like a heavy burden on our hearts, but they’re also life lessons. They will teach you and lead you to amazing places. They won’t break you but teach you and make you grow. So never fear growth because it’ll make you who you want to become. The one you always see in the mirror. And that’s the person you are right now.

 

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California Dreamin’ – 1982 to 1984 – Saffron – Down with the Sickness

Met Saffron at a the restaurant where I worked. She seemed relatively normal from our conversations, and she was very cute.

I try to set up plans to go see a movie, and she can’t/won’t make up her mind about what to see/when to go. Then she calls me and sounds a little funny. As if her voice was hoarse. She says “I normally don’t sound like this I yelled a lot at work today.” Something was up.

We finally agree on plans. I go pick her up to go see The Dark Crystal. She gets in the car and we start talking and it’s clear to me that she didn’t give me the whole story. Her voice did indeed sound somewhat odd. In addition, I began to notice certain ticks/movements as well. After the 10 minute drive to the theater I began to wonder what she hadn’t told me.

We walk into the theater and I realize a few more things. She had somewhat awkward gait, and had trouble with keeping normal distance from me. She either got super close or super far away as we walked and talked.

At this point I begin to wonder if perhaps she has Aspergers or another health issue, but keep it to myself.

Despite all of this I was still having a good time; we got along well and went to see the movie.

Here’s where the trouble begins:

About an hour into the movie she goes to the bathroom. I check my watch and realize that she’s been gone for over 10 minutes. No big deal, maybe she got food or didn’t feel well.

She comes back 15 minutes later and said she bought water and felt a little sick. Hint #4. I asked her multiple times if she was ok/wanted to leave. She said, “I’m fine, my cousin was sick maybe I caught a bug from her.”

Cut to about 45 minutes left in the movie; she starts to make faces as if she doesn’t feel good. I ask again multiple times if she is ok; she insists she is.

I suggest that she goes to bathroom in case she has to throw up. She says no.

A minute later SHE THROWS UP ALL OVER THE PLACE. COVERS THE ENTIRE FLOOR IN FRONT OF HER AND THREE SEATS TO THE LEFT ALL THE WAY TO AISLE. IT WAS LIKE A MOVIE SCENE, I COULDN’T BELIEVE HOW MUCH ONE PERSON COULD THROW UP.

I’m shaken obviously so I climb up a row and go to get help from the theater workers. On the way out of the theater I have to stop short as I round the corner…

WHY?

BECAUSE THERE WERE TWO GIANT PUDDLES OF VOMIT IN THE HALLWAY!! HER “BATHROOM” TRIP WAS ACTUALLY AN “I’M GONNA THROW UP ON THE FLOOR, LEAVE IT, AND RETURN TO MY DATE LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.”

So yea, that was a bad date I guess. Plus I never saw the end of the movie. I took the poor girl home. I felt so bad for her. I’ve had stomach disorders my whole life so I could identify with her. I think she was so mortified and embarrassed by the incident we never went out again because I don’t think she could face me. Poor girl. She was so cute!

 

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