Flirting While in a Committed Relationship: What You Need to Know

Part of being human is the need for attention, but is flirting while in a committed relationship a breach of trust, or simply a bit of fun?

No matter how you look at it, flirting while in a committed relationship is always a touchy subject – is it acceptable, or frowned upon? Can you actually define it? Or gasp, can you honestly completely avoid it or walk through life with your horse blinders on, in a world where there are a million ways to reach out and bat your eye at someone?

Picture the scene, you’re sat at a cafe with your friends, chatting and drinking coffee and suddenly someone tells you that they saw your partner flirting with someone else whilst out around town a few nights ago.

How would you feel?

Shocked, upset, betrayed?

All of those emotions would be completely right on the money, but if nothing actually happened, and it was simple flirtation, would it be wrong?

Welcome to a huge grey area!

Flirting while in a committed relationship – Wading through the grey area

Flirting while in a committed relationship is fine in some people’s eyes and totally off limits in others. Personally, I wouldn’t like it if my partner was flirting up a storm with someone else, whether they meant to do it or not. The problem is, what you might consider to be flirting, they might simply consider friendly joking. There are so many fine lines here and so many of them are different shades of red.

A story of not being right, and not being wrong

This happened to a friend of mine a short while ago and I actually witnessed the apparent flirtation. ‘Apparent’ isn’t actually the right word to use, because there was nothing apparent about it, it was as clear as day. I had a friend with me at the time and we agonized over what to do – should we tell our friend that her boyfriend had been flirting up a storm, or should we just let it go?

This actually caused a heated debate between the two of us, because I felt it was wrong to flirt the way he did, but she felt it was nothing to become that upset about, because it clearly had no intention behind it.

My argument was this – how can you tell if flirting has an intention behind it or not? You’re not in that person’s head, you can only judge the situation based on what you see and hear.

In the end, we told her. I just couldn’t not tell my friend, and do you know what her reaction was? She wasn’t bothered. She said that she knew her boyfriend was quite the flirt and she’d actually been sat with him in the past when he’d done it; apparently he doesn’t even realize he’s being flirty, he thinks he’s being friendly.

That wouldn’t have done for me, but then again, we’re all different.

What’s your take on this?

You see, the way I always look at things is to ask how I would feel if it happened to me. Before I do anything, most of the time, I think ‘if this was the other way around, how would I feel?’ That normally tells me whether what I’m doing is okay in my eyes or not.

You could argue that flirting is healthy, because it is fun, and we’re told to have as much fun in life as possible. My argument is if that’s the case, why can’t you flirt with your partner? That would still be fun!

As you can probably tell by my stand on this, I think flirting while in a committed relationship is a huge no. Am I right? I’m right in my eyes, but I don’t pretend to be the world’s last decision on rights and wrongs!

A personal choice of flirting

The best way to approach this is to figure out where you stand on it yourself. You have to live your life by your own ideas and values. Take my friend for example, she flirts whilst she’s at work, in a predominantly male environment, and she doesn’t think she’s doing anything wrong, because she loves her partner. Clearly her partner does the same, and they’re both okay with it. It works for them.

That’s great for them. Would it work for you?

Why do we need to flirt with other people?

I did a straw poll of my friends on this subject, both male and female, and they came up with these suggestions.

– Flirting while in a committed relationship can stop things getting stale and boosts excitement.

– It can stop one partner *or both* from feeling trapped in a long-term relationship.

– It gives an ego boost and makes them feel good about themselves.

– When you do it, it can keep your partner on his or her toes.

Do you agree with those reasons? I have to admit that I’m a little on the fence, if I’m honest.

Do you need a third person to excite you?

Firstly, I totally understand that in a long-term relationship things can get a little same old, same old on occasion, but surely you should be boosting excitement together, and not apart? There are plenty of ways to stop things from getting a little stale – have you not seen Fifty Shades of Grey?!

Secondly, are you supposed to feel trapped in a relationship? I personally think if you feel trapped there’s something a little wrong going on. I get that you might need an ego boost on occasion, I do, but I tend to do that by buying a new dress, rather than heading off to flirt with the nearest single male. Finally, you want to flirt with someone else to keep your partner on their toes? Seriously?! I can think of far better ways.

There are many who think that flirting is part of a healthy life and that it bears no reflection on the state of their long-term relationship. Maybe that is true, but would the flirting partner feel the same if their boyfriend or girlfriend was doing it too?

I’m inclined to think not.

The jury is out – Here’s what I think

Whether or not you deem flirting while in a committed relationship to be totally fine or a big red cross, that’s really a personal deal. I think that is the best way to address the issue. What we do need to talk about however is whether your partner feels the same about your standpoint.

For instance, maybe you see no issue with it, but maybe your partner is deeply hurt by it. In that case, it doesn’t make it right, does it? The best way to address this now is to make sure that you’re both on the same page. If you both feel the same about a little harmless flirting every now and again, well, who am I to judge? That’s fine, because you’re not hurting anyone and you’re both aware that it means nothing.

The big problem hits when one partner thinks it’s fine and the other doesn’t. If they continue to do it knowing that it hurts their partner, that’s a major, major red line. If they do it because they don’t know that their partner doesn’t like it, that’s a communication issue that needs to be fixed.

Maybe the answer to all of this is a need to sit down and actually talk to each other.

What’s the intention behind the flirting?

The other issue is how you can judge an intention. I totally get that innocent flirting without an intention to take it further and with no attached feelings whatsoever, no attraction or anything, is just that, pretty innocent flirting.

But, how do you know that is the case? Does the other person *the flirtee, if you will* know that’s the case? Or, more likely, do they think this guy or girl likes them and perhaps they’re onto something? In that case, surely another person is going to get dragged into the whole mess and will end up getting hurt too. All because you needed an ego boost.

Can you see how messy this might become?

Maybe it all comes down to what you deem flirting to be. A flirty wink, a brush of the arm *accidental, of course*, or a quick suggestive remark as a one off, is probably fine. But, repeated flirting with the same person? For me, that’s more than flirting and that has an intention of some kind behind it.

Flirting while in a committed relationship is certainly an area for debate which is likely to run and run. The only way to really answer the question is to focus on how it feels to you. Only then can you really the answer the question of whether it is a yes or a no.

 

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Kita – Chapter 41 – While You’re Away – Part 2

So she and JR breakup and it’s a bitter mess. Bitch JR immediately starts posting pics of himself with another girl which is just a knee jerk reaction to loss and revenge to your ex.

Kita gets an Instagram message from loser Steve, (Who is sadly from the same neighborhood as loser JR and they all know each other. You can see the jealously shit storm coming) and she starts seeing Steve.

Steve is an aloof motorhead that has zero experience with women so this whole rebound is basically a steel ball bouncing off a bumper in a pinball machine and deflecting off to something else. (Cool thing is… I’m “Extra Ball” AND “Free Game!”)

I’m just the big old lion catching some shade during this whole party. I assess the situation and listen to poor Kita during her sad plight. I’m there for her. I listen and offer advice that is of real value. I have to repeat it to her several times because baby just doen’t understand men.

The entire time this is happening as this poor girl struggles with the rudders of love, I ply her with delicious, trail mix, (which she loves!), crackers, granola bars, bananas, and free special tanning lotions.

I take her out to dinner. It’s exquisite. She loves it. You’ve already read about it. I took her out to a really nice xmas lunch and she adored that too.

So let’s sum up…

Met her and had desire but no idea of anything. Just an adorable object of pure phicklephily, waitress desire. Get to know her. Great conversation. (All me) Advice. More snacks. (Baby loves snacks. I used to ply ex GF Michelle with fruit and snacks!) Pepper spray to protect baby. Special snacks. Dinner. Special tanning lotion. Xmas lunch.

So here we are. Kita has had young love infatuation and loss. No sex. JR for 3 years a basic joke but got her little V card punched. Done. then rebound into moody loser, Steve.

I love Irony. I’ve done stand up comedy in New York, Stockton State College, and the Laff House in Philly. I’ve been funny my whole life. I’ve suffered so much, that’s how comics deal with their loss and tragedy. They laugh at it.

That’s the only tools we have to deal with our tortured pain and suffering at the hands of others.

That is a real thing that shapes who we are and makes us who we are and it is nothing to be ashamed of. It’s how the meek heal.

But there are several elements in play here. The irony here is quite obvious.

Lovely Kita is desperate to have love in her life. That’s completely normal. To love and be love is a fundamental need in humans. She felt that she had love for awhile with JR. That failed. Love fails more than it succeeds that’s why it’s so elusive, rare and wonderful. She rebounds off JR in searing pain and falls into the arms of wrong guy/neighbor of JR, Steve. JR sees this on social media and pushes forward quickly with his rebound whoever chick he’s currently seen in his instagram pics “having an amazing time.” Kita goes into a tizzy and tries to make it work like I did with insane Kylie and it’s never a match.

But there is a monument standing before this pretty young thing. Unfortunately, she can’t see it.

It’s a gentleman.

A father.

A man.

He has embraced her. He has listened to her. He has taken the time to learn about her. To spend hours with her. Teach her. Guide her. Care for her.

Listen to her for hours.

Given her delicious snacks she loves. Take her out to dinner. Give her minty gum. Spend hours helping her with her life challenges. Learning about her. Really getting to know her. Buying her pepper spray to protect her. More delicious snacks! Taking her out to a nice lunch at an upscale restaurant.

She’s so sweet and beautiful to me. I love Kita. I have no idea where this is going. I’ve never experienced anything like this before. I feel like we’re on the edge of something. But the odd things is… Kita will be gone for a month and I’ll get a break from writing about her.

I have to say this…. (Here’s the purpose of this post)

The snacks, the talk, the gifts the dates. I have built the model of what it should like to date this very pretty sweet girl. That is what i’m good at. Kita doesn’t see it but I’m going to play this out to see where it goes. I’m showing this little fool what dating should look like!

I’m showing you Kita what a courtship looks like.

This is what romance and life look like.

I’m painting the picture for you and you don’t even see it. I see it as a challenge. I may not win. But at my age I just enjoy your company. A sweet 21 year old girl with a 55 year old man that you continue to spend time with. I’m really enjoying my time with you. I have a girlfriend that adores me and several other women that I spend time with. I love to be alone, but I can always pull the talent for any event I want.

Kita, you’re a special project for me. You can’t see it but I’m grooming you to be mine. I can’t help it. It’s just something I do. But I do love you in this moment.

When things are fresh and new.

I am a simple man that’s happy now with my simple life. It almost seems odd to me that so many butterflies get caught in the net of my fatal charm.

I hope my ex grifriends don’t read this and think less of me.

Kita will be in Florida for a month….

I’m going to miss her.

I hope she texts me.

if nothing goes wrong I’m going to hire her to work at the salon

I hope to God i can write something about my girlfriend Cherie soon instead of this little doll.

I’ve been writing this blog for two years…. I appreciate those that have hung in for the Philly part of all of my stories, but sometimes I think the Phickle will be my undoing.

 

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