Guy learns the hard way to be careful who you drunkenly hook up with at a family wedding

Here’s a good one!

No one is perfect and we all make mistakes. And quite often, these mistakes involve the notoriously problem-causing combination of alcohol and sex (that combo is probably why a lot of us even exist). But no matter how embarrassing or horrifying your drunken mistakes have been, you can pat yourself on the back knowing you didn’t mess up as badly as this guy (and gal) who had an extremely rude awakening after a drunken night at a wedding—a family wedding, if that’s any indication of how bad this mistake was.

Teen Reddit user seasickjellyfish shared this story to the sub-Reddit “TIFU” (Today I F*cked Up) where it went viral. And that’s how we know it’s a doozy.

It all begins at his uncle’s wedding, about 18-20 months ago (you, too, would be blurry on the details if you were him—some memories remain hazy for a reason):

So this happened about 18 months ago, or somewhere in the vicinity of 18-20 months. I still get flak from this from both family and friends.

So, the setting: my uncle’s wedding. It’s around Autumn and my uncle by my mothers side, from an exceptionally large family (this is relevant), is getting married for the second time. Now my family is very large. My mother has 3 brothers and 5 sisters. All with children of their own, and some even with children of their own now.

The wedding isn’t what I would describe as large, pretty much encompassing just family and close friends. All in all, there can’t have been more than 50 or 60 people there, and around 60% (at a rough estimate) or so are related by blood to me. They make up the majority is what I’m trying to say, and many are spread over whom I have only briefly met, or in some cases, never met. Well, you can see where this is going.

For reference, I would be around mid 17 in this story, with the age of consent in my country (UK) being 16. The girl, who we shall call Isla, was 22 or 23.

Well, at the reception, I am having a good time with my sister, parents and cousins. Dancing, heavily indulging in drinking etc. Just generally enjoying myself as it is rare for large family gatherings for us for obvious reasons.

A girl I don’t recognise begins to dance with me on the (very crowded) dance-floor. She’s older than me clearly, but I thought maybe 19 or 20. Anyway, we start dancing, touching etc. She twerks on me a little, I grind a bit and I presume nobody noticed due to accumulated intoxication and crowdedness around where we were. One things leads to another, we start kissing and she asks me if I want to go ‘upstairs’, which I correctly take to mean her room in the hotel (it was a hotel wedding).

You don’t have to be a mind-reader or a psychic to predict what happened next. He continues:

I, of course, being a hormonal teenage boy (still am), jump at the opportunity and say yes. I should say this wasn’t my first time or anything and by this point I carried condoms around in my wallet when I went out and knew I would be drinking.

So we proceed to discreetly (or so I think) take our leave. Both drunk, obviously, but not to the point of not being in control of our actions, or stumbling around/blackout etc. I get to her room, a bit of excited talk, and clothes come off. All is going well. Now, I should say that all this time I’m assuming this girl is a relative (or perhaps friend?) of the bride. Oh boy. I was in for a shock. Because, as it turns out, she thought the same of me.

As we were ‘cleaning up’, so to speak, we begin a little small-talk when before had mostly just been purely sexual. She eventually asks how I know the bride (let us call her Emma). I stop. Thunderstruck. The realisation slowly creeping up on me and oh, the horror. I laugh it off (hoping, in vain) she is joking and state I am the son of (insert mothers name). The shock is palpable on who I then realised as my cousins face as she was putting her bra back on. She sort of freaks out and says she’s the estranged daughter of one of my uncles who’s had a troubled life, whom she had very recently reconnected with (I did not know this). We essentially collectively let out a ‘fuckkkkk’.

How I would respond if I just learned I accidentally boinked one of my family members. Yes, I said boinked. That’s how upsetting this story is.

But at least no one ever found out about what happened between them…..SIKE. The story somehow gets even worse:

From there we got dressed quickly and decided to never reveal this major cock-up to a soul and hope to God we had not been noticed (alas). We decided it would be best if she were to leave first, and that I would follow around 5-10 minutes later.

Well I do. She leaves first, and I just kind of stand around in the hallway on my phone freaking out for a short while until I decide enough time has passed to erode suspicion.

Well, first thing I see when I get down is the look of pure disappointment on my mothers face, the stupid fucking grin on my fathers and half my cousins faces and my sister looking in disgust, as though she was watching a particularly repulsive sea-slug. One of my cousins whom I am close to pats me on the back, shaking his head and laughing his absolute head off. I know I am defeated then and quietly take a seat expecting the utter bollocking I will later receive from my family. My elderly 90 year old grandmother was there for fucks sake. And word was not quiet. I didn’t see Isla or her father again that reception and later found out she told him and he took her home, not to the hotel she had booked, by way of taxi.

So yeah. I accidentally took part in (protected, thank-God) incest. It is brought up at every, and I mean every, family-gathering. A couple of my cousins have taken to playing ‘Sweet Home Alabama’ and asking when the next date is whenever I enter the room.

After (soberly) explaining to my parents it was an accident and I fully believed she was not a relative (like they should have questioned it) they were okay-ish with it, but still disappointed and annoyed a little. My father asked me how I’d failed to notice Isla (apparently) sat literally the row behind us, and I had no answer. Gotta work on my observation skills I guess. Not only do my family still tease me, but my friends found out from my sister within days and I’ve been relentlessly teased by them at most social gatherings since. You can imagine how many cousin/incest/alabama jokes daily.

I am ashamed to this day. Even more so because she is an objectively attractive woman. As one might imagine, the limited interactions we’ve had since have been extremely strained and awkward, not helped by my dickhead cousins. There is another big family wedding coming up this summer, and since the announcement ‘the incident’ as it’s come to be known as has been all that’s been discussed within my hearing.

Anyway, I hope you all enjoyed that rollercoaster. If you have any questions feel free, and once again, do forgive the surely egregious formatting as I am just popping my Reddit virginity with this story, which I’ve been encouraged to (anonymously) post online by friends so as to make you all laugh as much as them.

TL;DR I had sex with my uncles estranged daughter at a family wedding my first time meeting her. Everybody in the (large family) knew then, and now, and will never let me live this down.

And the moral of this horror story is: Always, always, always take a 23 And Me test before hooking up with someone you met at a family wedding, or a non-family wedding—or, just to be safe, anywhere. You know what, actually? Never sleep with someone again. Just to be safe.

LIFE IS A NIGHTMARE. The End.

 

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Maureen – Finance Manager – Part 1

I matched with Maureen on Bumble. Let’s take a look at her profile.

Maureen, 24

(Okay. Clearly something’s wrong from the start. This woman in her photos is not 24 years of age. She’s at least in her 40’s. But I’m sure it’s just a typo.)

Finance Manager

Location

PHILADELPHIA

About

Easy going, adventurous, generous, an excellent friend, very bright, witty and a whole lot of fun, with a great smile. A good listener, companionable, accomplished, cook extraordinaire and definitely glass half full. Thanks to my friends for the above comments about me.

 

Seems nice enough.

Because it’s Bumble, ladies go first. So if she doesn’t message me on the app in 24 hours, the match will expire.

But sure enough, she does.

“Hello – In addition to your nice blue eyes, I also enjoy to laugh a lot. What do you like to do in your spare time? I look forward to chatting!”

“Hello Mary! Thank you for the compliment you seem lovely as well. I enjoy socializing when I’m not working and writing.”

“Socializing sounds good – I like times with friends, entertaining, celebrations. I see we are both in Philadelphia. I think it would be worth our while to chat. When is good for you to connect?”

(Wow. She got right to the point. This lady’s not wasting any time.)

“Lunch next week?”

“Charles – ok, how does next Thursday 2/1 or Friday 2/2 work for you? – Mary”

(At this point I must have gotten distracted or busy with work because she reaches out again on 1/31)

“Charles – I am not sure if you got my message. Would you still like to have lunch? Does Thursday Feb 1 or Monday Feb 5 work for you – Mary”

(On Feb 2 I get back to her. I don’t know what took me so long. Could be that she’s really pushing hard early for a date.)

“Sorry Maureen. Death in the family.” (Bold faced lie.) Could you do a drink at Square 1682 on 2/5?”

“Sure, Charles. Monday as proposed works for me. Let’s get on the phone very briefly for details.”

(Why do we have to talk on the phone? She seems pushy.)

(On the 5th Maureen messages me again.)

“I am confirming that I will meet you for a drink at 8:30pm tonight at Square 1682.”

(I’m really being a dick here. I didn’t get back to her. What’s wrong with me? Am I becoming like my shitty dates?”)

“Since I have not heard back from you, I am assuming tonight may not work for you. So let me know if you would like to meet another time for a drink. – Mary”

(I don’t get back to her until the 7th. I really suck on this one. She’s been more that patient with my loser ass.)

“I’m sorry Maureen. What does your Saturday look like. Also here’s my number, 267-555-1212.”

(February 8th I reach out again. Maybe I’ve lost her with all my jerking around.)

“Saturday after 5?”

“Sure. Sounds fine. I texted you.”

“And I texted you back, dear. (smiley emoji)”

(Now we switch over to actual texting)

“Charles Saturday evening is fine to meet in person – Center City, I imagine. Do you have a preferred place? Look forward to meeting. Mary from Bumble.”

(She certainly is thorough. But I have been a piece of shit through all of this.)

“Let’s meet at Marathon at 16th and Sansom at 6pm.”

“Sounds fine. See you then.”

“Great. Looking forward to meeting you.”

 

(So today at 11:00am I texted her again.)

“Still good for 6pm at Marathon today?”

“Yep.”

“Great.”

(So we’ll see how it goes tonight. I will be leaving the salon in about 20 minutes from now. I should get to Marathon around the corner. I’ll get there probably at 5:15. Which gives me a 30 to 45 minute window to smoke a post work celebratory cig and then have a Bulliet rye Manhattan straight up at the bar to decompress before my first meeting with Maureen.

So if she shows up, (I’m sure she will) They’re be a chapter 2 on Thursday!

See you later!

 

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