California Dreamin’ – 1982 to 1984 – Audrey – Polar Opposite

I went out for a going away party for a friend at the Rainbow Bar & Grill. There, I met some chick Audrey that a bunch of my friends know. We got pretty trashed, and had fun. Did shots. Danced. Did shots. Sang karaoke. Did jagerbombs. Chatted while smoking cigarettes on the patio. Did shots. Smoked a bowl on the patio. Drank beers. Did more shots. Really liked each other.

So we exchanged numbers before leaving, and said we’d go out next week. Now, 20 minutes after leaving I literally passed out and landed on my face, because I was fucking trashed. So I was in prime condition this night. This girl knew I liked to party. (As only young people can, and horrifies me now- how did I survive?!)

So, next week comes, and we line up a date. Since we don’t know each other super well, we’ll go to that same bar, where a bunch of mutual friends will be. We sit with them on the patio, and we chat. She’s cute. But, that’s all she has going for her. I find out we are absolute polar opposites. Her dad’s a preacher, and she loves Jesus, and she doesn’t like art, and she’s waiting for marriage, and she doesn’t like fishing, and hunting is cruelty, and the outdoors are icky, and I’m getting one word answers saying she doesn’t like anything I talk about, while she doesn’t even try to make conversation. It’s so awkward that our mutual friends are bailing, shifting further and further away from us, until there are only three of us left in our section and everyone else is on the other side of the patio.

After about 45 minutes, I decide I’m going to need like 8 more drinks to make it through this. I ask if she needs another drink, and go inside to the bar. While I’m waiting, I say, “nope, fuck it.” And I leave. I bail right out the back door. I don’t even care, I don’t say goodbye, I just leave. I stagger to a friend’s house, explain that I was on the shittiest date ever, and proceed to get blackout drunk.

Three days later, a mutual friend Kevin says, “Man, that date was pretty brutal, but it wasn’t right how she treated you.” “I know man, right?” “Yeah. I can’t believe you went to get her another drink, and she left before you got back. That was really shitty.”

That’s right. This date went so poorly we both bailed without telling the other person, and neither of us ever tried to contact the other one again!

I love it!


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The Most Infuriating Texts From Exes After Breakups, According To 8 People


A lot of this reminds me of my ex-girlfriend, Annabelle. (You can find her story on this blog under her name)

So sad. Good riddance to toxic people!

Although Queen Ari’s single, “Thank U, Next” is a certifiable bop, there are plenty of folks that don’t really need to thank their exes for anything. In fact, many people share that all-too-common experience of an ex’s last-ditch effort at connecting over text, and their messages can be infuriating. If this is something you’re going through right now, you’re absolutely not alone. To prove it, I asked some folks to share the most infuriating texts from exes they’ve ever received. Their stories suggest that sometimes, exes can sometimes be extremely frustrating and hurtful.

Exes can poke back into your life, either by directly contacting you or, you know, just randomly starting to watch literally all of your Instagram stories. It can be absolutely maddening trying to reason with someone who just doesn’t understand how you feel. When it comes to an ex who just doesn’t seem to get it, always remember that it’s well within your right to block the heck out of their number, social media, and any other form of communication.

I did this with a particularly awful ex, and she decided to email me instead because she couldn’t “figure out” why her texts weren’t going through. In this email, she also encouraged me to send memes and that there were “no hard feelings.” But she isn’t the one that gets to decide that, so I hit her will super cheery, “Please don’t contact me again. Best, Hannah.”

If you’ve ever dealt with a particularly awful ex that made steam come out of your ears like a cartoon, read these stories.


‘I know you hate me but can you just send me a few nudes? I’m gonna miss you and want something to remember you by.’ — this message is courtesy of a college ex-boyfriend.

— B*



Basically the text read something along the lines of: I lost a steadfast friend. I feel bad that I hurt you and lost a future with you. We were so close to getting engaged and then married. It’s sad that is all gone now. Moving on looks like the hope that there’s a better match out there for us both. But it’s not going to be that for us.

The reason that this text was so infuriating was because this guy and I had been dating for six and a half months. No fights, nothing. Out of nowhere, right before Thanksgiving we met up for date night and he said that he “needed a break”. We took two weeks off without seeing each other and at the end of the two weeks he said that he thought it was best if we broke up. He didn’t give me any answers to questions and just said that I needed to move on. A week after the official breakup, he sent me this text. talking about all that he “lost”. At the time I was livid but mostly confused. I still don’t know why we broke up, but I know this. Sometimes you really don’t want to hear what they have to say.

— Lana*, 24


Once I started seeing someone new, and an ex texted me, ‘I just looked up [my new partner], and he looks like a tool. He’s just trying to get in your pants:). Clearly I made the right choice by moving on.

— Lauren, 24


I had a tumultuous, on-again, off-again relationship from 18 to 21. When we broke up for good, I made it clear that I no longer wanted to be in contact. Still, every few months over the next few years, he would send me long emails about his feelings, drunken texts on Valentine’s Day, even Facebook messages. Most recently, on my 26th birthday, he sent a text wishing me a happy birthday and referencing a comment I made to him when I was 18 years old, back when I joked that I was afraid to one day be 26 because that’s when I’d start to feel old. I mean, how rude is that?! To ignore my boundaries and hit me with a text announcing, Hello, now you are old! Happy birthday! The text just so happened to come the day after I posted on social media that my current boyfriend and I are moving in together… so my ex’s text just seems like a super rude, petty reaction to the fact that I’m finally moving on. It’s time for my ex to do the same!

— Hannah, 26


Caught him cheating (through text). We were taking selfies and I opened messages on his phone to send one to myself. Saw some explicit messages had been exchanged with someone else, including my bf using the phrase “You’re the best lover I’ve ever had.” Naturally, I got mad, and that was the start of a super messy breakup. I was completely dumbfounded when he *got mad at me* for seeing the message, and accused *me* of being dishonest, saying, ‘You were supposed to trust me, but I guess that was a lie.’

— Kevin, 24


An ex texted me that ‘I should Give ‘The Path Less Travelled by John Frost a read’ and assured me it was ‘a pretty eye-opening poem’ if I would ‘give it a chance.’

— Clancy, 26


I had this ex who really devastated me. The anniversary of the breakup found me fragile and strong at the same time. He texted: “Happy anniversary”

—M*, 27


My ex told me “no” when I asked for space cause she was used to talking to me and space was dumb…. She also texted me once every four to six months for the next two years asking to catch up. I was always extremely rude. Then she texted me out of the blue saying she’d thought about us hooking up again because the sex was great.

— Mars, 26

In all seriousness, it can be really hard to move on when an ex keeps getting in your way. Hopefully, seeing more about others’ experiences may give you confidence that you’re not alone. Some of these folks really put the “next” in “Thank u, Next!”

*Names have been changed.


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Handful of Dates – Part 2

The Daughter

I had another one once where the girl showed up with her daughter that forgot to mention on the dating site. So as we are on this date her three year old daughter is there. It gets worse, It was cold out and she asked if I wanted to continue talking in her car. We ended up making out in her car after the date while her daughter was in the back in the car seat. It was about less than 10 minutes.


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Another Life – Chapter 25

It’s not easy, trying to find someone to share an apartment with three other people, at short notice – especially over the Christmas holidays. But word of mouth travelled fast, and within a month of Ronnie leaving us in the lurch, we got a nibble.

Rina was a slim brunette with a very pretty face. She wore headbands and fitness gear, or workout clothes. I didn’t know if she was an exercise nut, or if she was just trying to imitate Olivia Newton John.

She was also Barbara’s best friend.

Rina had been over a couple of times, but only when we’d been having a party, or a large group. She took a tour of the apartment, and then asked most of the same shrewd questions that Laurie had asked the landlord before we signed the lease. Rina was especially pleased when she heard what her share of the rent would be.

– “I can move in February 1st.” she said.

– “Super!” said Laurie.

I have to admit that I was a little worried about Rina. It’s true that I barely knew Rose before we became roomies – but Rose was a sweetheart. And I hadn’t been dating her best friend.

It was a relief, then, when Rina set me straight right away.

– “We’re gonna be good friends, Joe. Barbara said you were a really nice guy. She still considers you a friend, too.”

That was nice to hear. We all quickly discovered that Rina was remarkably frank and open. She might not be in Eli’s class, when it came to telling the truth, but she was very, very close. We found that out even before she officially moved in.

Rina brought over a few boxes, and a few of her clothes.

– “I’ll need some help moving in, though.” she said.

– “I can help.” I told her that I could borrow Uncle Ray’s truck, and find a friend to help me carry her furniture.

– “That’s fantastic!” she said. “Oh, Joe, if you could do that, I’d really make it worth your while.” She batted her eyes at me.

I’m sure my mouth fell open. Rose spit a mouthful of soup across the table, spraying Laurie’s arm.

– “Geez!” snapped Laurie.

Rina though that Laurie was reacting to what she just said. Who knows? Maybe she was.

– “I didn’t mean that I’d fuck him.” said Rina. She smiled at me. “I just meant that I’d buy him a case of beer. That would be alright, wouldn’t it?”

– “You don’t have to buy me beer.” I said.

– “Then I’ll buy it for all of my roommates, and we can share.”

I got Eli to help me. I figured that a beer or two and an introduction to Rina would be well worth the price of admission.

We carried her bed and dresser up the stairs, and then load after load of clothes. I swear, this girl had 29 pairs of shoes – at the age of 21. Even Imelda Marcos took a few years to amass her collection.

– “You’re beautiful.” Eli told her. “I’d love to go out with you.”

– “Probably not going to happen.” said Rina. “Nice of you to say, though.”

We had ourselves a new roommate. Once again, we would be splitting the rent four ways, instead of three. Of course, Rina was not an unmitigated blessing.

The night after she moved in, she had her boyfriend over.

She must have bought her bed at the same store where Ronnie and Laurie got theirs. It was the serenade of the springs all over again.

The next morning, Rose couldn’t meet my eye. It was probably worse for Laurie, though; she was in the room next to Rina, trying to sleep through it.

– “Rose, you wouldn’t have any earplugs, would you?” she asked.


Tanya was a bit cold with me, over the phone, for a week or so. Then we just had trouble connecting. I did ask her out, but when Tanya found out that coming back to my apartment afterwards wasn’t on the agenda, she lost interest.

It was almost two weeks later when she called me, and invited me over.

– “My parents are going away for the weekend – and they’re taking my sisters.” she said.

– “You’re not going?”

– “Unfortunately, I’m going to be terribly sick.” she said. “Too sick to go with them. I’ll need my boyfriend to come over and make me chicken soup. And maybe rub my tummy …”

I did end up rubbing her tummy. She also fucked me on their couch, in her bed, and blew me against the wall in the hallway.

She also wanted me to fuck her in her sister’s room. I could just picture her gleefully telling Sam all about it afterwards. I drew the line there.

– “Why not?” she said. “I never say ‘no’ to you!”

– “Tanya, I’m not about to be some kind of weapon for you to one-up your sister. Don’t drag me into your … battles.” I had been about to say ‘squabbles’. I don’t think she would have appreciated that much.

She was angry enough as it was. I ended up leaving hours before I had to.


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6 Ways To End A Sex Drought

When it rains, it pours.

You hear it all the time, and the implication, of course, is that there’s also a flipside: When it’s dry, it’s dry for ages. This is especially true when it comes to sex. Often it feels like the only thing you need to get a guy’s attention is another guy’s attention. Conversely, when it’s been awhile since you’ve done, ahem, the deed, it can feel like it’ll never happen again. Which, of course, it will. It’s only a matter of time. After the jump, for your reading pleasure, a list of helpful tips to get the ol’ ball rolling again. By which I mean: LET’S GET YOU LAID. It’s been too long.

1. Maintain realistic expectations. First things first: Stop looking for your future husband. We’re not out to find you Mr. Perfect, we’re looking to get you laid. Find someone to whom you’re attracted, someone you think is a decent guy. That’s all. You don’t need identical value systems, you don’t have to be on the same page about kids, you don’t need to worry if he’s unemployed. Here’s your one and only guiding line: “I’m looking for someone attractive and kind. I’m going forth. And conquering.”

2. Embrace casual sex. It’s 2019, my darlings. Let go — if you haven’t all ready — of the double standards put upon women who have casual sex. If you want it, have it. (And safely, of course.) Put all your energy into enjoying yourself (and kicking idiotic terms like “slut” to the curb).

3. Travel. Now, when I say travel, I’m talking as big or small as you want to go. Travel to the new bar that’s 20 minutes from your home instead of 10. Travel to that resort you keep meaning to check out that’s two hours away. Travel across the country. Go to Europe, for god’s sake! Put yourself in a situation that lets you be the new girl. It’s not just that you’re meeting new people — it’s that on levels both conscious and not, you’re expanding your mind and broadening your horizons, and all those sorts of things will create a new level of openness that will only have a positive effect. Are we talking Break-a-Budget-That-You-Can’t-Afford? No. We’re talking figure out what you can afford, and spend it on new sights and experiences.

4. Use Facebook or Twitter to your advantage. We need to make sure people know you’re single and looking. So start using those status updates to just that sort of positive effect! Wait for an instance wherein you’re in a zone of loving your single-dom, e.g. you’re glammed-up and out with your gal pals, and post a tweet or status update wherein you bravely address it. I’m talking something in the spirit of, “The single gals at the restaurant are always the ones laughing the hardest!” In short, don’t be afraid to speak of your single-dom in an online setting. It serves you well to embrace, announce, and relish the status just as often as you can.

5. Tell the elderly. Listen: I’ve gotten more dates from keeping the elderly abreast of my single-gal status than pretty much anywhere else. I swear! I’m talking my grandmother, my grandmother’s friends, and various elderly neighbors. These women have been around a long time, they’ve got a wide network, and they spend a decent portion of their day chitting and chatting with friends. Here’s a group that loves — and I mean loves – to match-make.  They’re just the types you want looking out for you and your cause. The other thing is, and I know this is a broad generalization, but I have personally seen it proven time and again: These women tend to know The Nice Guys, — i.e., your Grandma’s BFF Agnes isn’t going to set you up with Mr. Rude Bartender. No. She’ll set you up with so-and-so’s son who went to overnight camp with her daughter’s daughter 20 years back, a guy who works presently with, oh I don’t know, web content. So the next time these women of a certain age approach you, slow down, settle in, and share your story!

6. Get out of the house! Arguably the most obvious of the points, but just as a healthy and helpful reminder: Your home is for having sex. Not finding sex. Take a moment and consider how many of your mundane, daily activities could be moved to various areas that get just a wee bit more foot traffic than your couch. For example, if you read your paper in the morning at your kitchen table, perhaps get in the habit of reading it over coffee at your local coffee shop. If, in the evening, you love whiling away the hours on the internet, maybe do so on your iPad at your local bar. What I’m saying is, it helps to be available for someone other than a Peeping Tom.


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Phicklephilly – Tinder Moments

Here’s another collection of profiles I’ve come across in the world of online dating! Enjoy!






















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Are You Dating To Find A Partner? Remember These 4 Things

People date for many reasons — because they’re bored, they’re trying to figure out what they’re looking for, they’re hoping it’ll help them get over an ex, and because it’s just plain fun, to name a few. But if you’re dating to find a partnerspecifically, then it’s a whole different ball game. There are certain things you’ll need to remember in order to get one step closer to meeting “The One” (or at the very least, the one for RN). Not only that, but there are other things to be mindful of in order to maintain your sanity throughout the dating process.

One of my best friends from college recently declared that she was on this very mission. “I’m so done f*cking around,” she told me after another almost-relationship ended a few months in. “I’m looking for my person.” IMHO, this simple declaration is the first important step toward finding a partner. Acknowledging what you’re looking for out loud can be a powerful act that eventually becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Once you’ve admitted that you’re dating with this particular goal in mind, you can start the super exciting process of seeking out your next prospective boo. And don’t forget to keep these crucial things in mind while you’re at it.


Milles Studio/Stocksy

It can be difficult to tell what someone is looking for, especially in the early stages of dating. And in an age where casual dating is as common as a kale salad, it’s super important to make sure that you explicitly communicate your intentions from the get-go. In fact, you might even put a little blurb in your dating profile that indicates you’re not looking for a hookup so people who are strictly dating casually can keep swiping. And you should also make it a point to ask what your date is looking for the first or second time you hang out. Once you’ve had some time to talk and you feel a bit more comfortable, you can ask something like, “Hey, what made you sign up for Tinder? Are you searching for something in particular?” or “Would you say you’re more into casual dating right now, or are you more looking for a relationship?” Then it’s time to make yourintentions known.

If your date gets awkward, or mysteriously ghosts you after this date, no sweat. The whole point of doing this early on is to weed out the ones who aren’t on the same page. After all, why would you want to waste time going on dates with someone who has no interest in committing? Taking this step may feel intimidating at first, but remember: It’s the best way to boost your chances of finding your future bae — someone who genuinely wants the same thing you do, and isn’t afraid to acknowledge it.


I’m a big list-maker. It helps me to keep my thoughts organized and my anxiety under control. But not only that — making a list naturally helps to keep you accountable. When you write something down, you’re more likely to actually do it. So, consider making a list of all the qualities that you consider essential in a partner. Remember — needs are different from wants, which are negotiable. Needs tend to include a person’s values, goals, and personality traits. They are the traits that you might not pick up on by simply catching a glimpse of them across a bar or scoping out their dating app profile picture. In other words, height, eye color, hair color, or body type probably don’t belong on this list. Rather, this list is about honing on the qualities that give a person long-term partner potential for you.

Once you’ve drawn up your list, don’t just forget about it. Revisit it after a stellar date or a total dud. That way, you can remind yourself of what you’re looking for. Not only that, but you’ll likely need to revise the list over time, as you realize through the dating process what’s most important to you.

Speaking of lists, it’s also a good idea to identify what you’re not looking for. If you’re not interested in dating someone who’s a different religion or significantly younger than you, then knowing these dealbreakers will help you weed through prospective matches much more easily.


Sean Locke/Stocksy

If you’re eager to meet someone the old-fashioned way — IRL — then there’s hardly a better way to do that then by joining a group, taking a class, or attending an event that involves your interests. That way, you know you automatically have something in common with all the cuties you meet.

So, if you love animals, look for volunteering opportunities that involve some furry friends. If you’re a craft beer nerd, take a homebrewing class. Or, if fitness is a big part of your life, join a new running group or softball league.

Be careful, however, about getting involved in something solely with the expectation of meeting a partner. While taking advantage of these opportunities may help with your search for an SO, they’re also opportunities for self-development. So just do you — and focus on participating in things that make you feel happy, fulfilled, and engaged. Without a doubt, that kind of passion and joy will only make you more enticing to the next person you meet.


Emmanuel Hidalgo/Stocksy

If you’re dating with the intention of pursuing a relationship, there are certain signs you should look out for on the first few dates that may indicate your date isn’t partner material.

For example, if your date is sending you mixed signals — as in, they’re really into you one day, but then go MIA the next — that’s a red flag for sure.

Or, if your date keeps bringing up their ex, that could be a sign that they’re not over their last relationship (which, in turn, means they’re likely not ready to commit to a new one).

If your date gets a tad aggressive about coming inside your apartment at the end of the night or gets squeamish when you even so much as hint at the idea of commitment, those are other red flags that their intentions aren’t likely in line with yours.

Arguably, the most important thing to remember when you’re dating with the hope of finding a significant other is to stay curious and open-minded. This is a learning process, after all, and you’re bound to be met with a few surprises along the way. Maybe that Tinder match who didn’t look like your type actually wows you on the first date. Or maybe, you realize through your experiences that finding someone who’s just as punctual or planning-minded as you is actually super important to you. As they say, it’s a marathon, not a sprint. Every single experience you have will have some kind of value, and when you look at it that way, no date will be a waste of time — only a chance to get one step closer to the right person for you.


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