Cherie – Chapter 50 – …Than to Receive – Part 3

Baby fell asleep after our fiery session. I’m a giver. I’ve always been since I was nineteen in LA.

NO. I’ve always been a giver and a pleaser since I was a kid. when you grow up feeling like a loser and an inferior shit… you always give. You are a twisted pile of insensitive parenting and you are your own weakness.

You’ll always please and give to everybody you know when you’re broken as a person. I’ve always been that person. The pleaser. The giver. Obsessed with giving.

I remember when my father would say to me “Don’t be a victim.” The crazy irony is that his very behavior in how he treated me made me into the victim I have been my entire life. He gave me great lessons and taught me so much about life and I’m grateful for that. But his rage and behavior towards me over the years destroyed any self-esteem I could have ever cultivated to be the leader I could have been.

He would be pissed at my mom for her sexless stoic attitude and I would fail at school and he would rip me a new one instead of her. But I was just the fuse. The powder keg was him and she was the bomb.

He was the torch and she was the can of gas. They were a complete mismatch. The most terrifying moments in my life were at my father’s hands and words. He knew he could destroy a person with his tongue.

He took shameful pride in it.

His own mother. My Grammie. I loved her. She was an orphan that was given up because the family was too poor to keep her (More later) she once described her son… my father… as,  “The cow that gives the milk and then kicks the bucket over.”

I’m a middle-aged hyper-sexual. I’m like no one you know. Unless you’re best buds with David Duchovney. The needle on my sex drive has been cranked way back, but the demon still lives in there, but he’s cool.

I used to say that I was at war with my demons. But now we’re all on the same side.

Anxiety? Settle the fuck down. Depression? Oh, for fuck’s sake go out and do something!

How bad is my life?

Daughter Lorelei lives with me, I love her dearly and she’s turned out right. I’m writing these words and lovely Cherie’s is turning in my bed naked and beautiful while I take a break from the action to write this.

I love to see her sleep. I know her life is hard and I admire her mettle to go forth and succeed at 27. I also admire her love for me at my age. When she comes to my place in Rittenhouse  she can completely hide from the world. No work. No school. No kids. Just love, warmth romance and lots of mad sex.

Tomorrow we’re going to sleep in and have a delicious breakfast of whatever baby wants.

We’ll probably hit Midtown Diner because that’s where we started.

She’ll vanish on a train again and I’ll go back to work, errands and friends.

I need to maintain my relationship with Cherie. Because despite our differences and distance, I look at Cherie and see one word.

WIFE.

Okay, I know that seems scary and Lorelei would lose her shit but this lady seems that good.

Only time will tell…

 

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