Men and Their Mommies: How the Mother Son Relationship Can Contribute to Divorce

Here’s another female follower of mine that wanted to contibute to my blog, so I decided to take the rest of the day off and let her have this one.

Enjoy!

The mother son relationship is really complicated. I know this because I have an ex-husband, a dad, a brother and a son.

There is nothing more attractive to a woman than a man who adores his mom, treats her well, treats her with respect and goes out of his way to help her.

There is also nothing more unattractive to a woman than a man who can’t stand up to his mother, who let’s his mom control him, who fears his mother and who puts his mommy first (in front of his girlfriend or wife.)

I think there are many, many men who don’t know what kind of relationship to have with their mom once they get a girlfriend or get married. And a lot of times, the mother son relationship has a huge effect on the marriage, to the point of divorce in some cases.

So much of the mother son relationship stems from childhood, and circumstances that might have happened. For example, maybe the guy’s dad left when he was just a little boy, and he was all his mother had. Or maybe his father died, and the man has always felt sad for his mom and tried to compensate for his dad not being there. Maybe the guy’s dad treated his mom like crap and the guy feels like he needs to pick up the slack.

While all of these scenarios are heartfelt and while I can understand a guy’s need to treat his mother like gold, there are differences between healthy and unhealthy mother son relationships. Here are 3.

1. Obligation Versus Choice:

Unhealthy: The son always feels obligated to see his mom and put her first in front of his plans. In other words, he will drop anything if she calls because he feels some kind of guilt. This causes huge problems with his girlfriend/wife.

Healthy: The son WANTS to see his mother, and if she happens to call and ask to get together when he already has plans — say a date, he tells her he will instead meet her for breakfast the next morning. When he meets her, he might bring her flowers or just give her a huge hug and say, “Mom, I know you already know this, but I really really love you a lot.”

2. Fear Versus Honesty:

Unhealthy: The guy always fears that his mother will be angry with him or not speak to him if he disappoints her and doesn’t do everything she asks. A wife or girlfriend will get frustrated by this and it will surely cause tension in their relationship.

Healthy: The guy doesn’t fear the person who is supposed to love him unconditionally, and who understands that there is no son in history who didn’t disappoint his mother at one time or another during a lifetime. Instead, if he has to say or do something he knows will upset his mother, he sucks it up and is honest about it because he knows his mother will eventually get over it.

3. Annoyance Versus Happiness:

Unhealthy: The guy who fears his mother tends to resent her (but won’t even let himself realize that). That emotion then turns into annoyance with her, which then turns into his guilt for feeling annoyed by his own mother. Because of this annoyance, he will then become annoyed with his wife/girlfriend, completely unaware of it!

Healthy: A guy who has a great relationship with his mother gets joy out of seeing her EVERY time they get together. He cherishes the time, they laugh together, maybe reminisce and have heartfelt talks.

Here’s the thing. I’m a mom, and when my son grows up, meets a woman, brings her home and marries her, I am really going to try to understand that he is madly in love with her, and that he will put her above me a lot of times. And that is how it should be! And any mother who doesn’t see it that way is just plain selfish! Sure, it might be hard, and your feelings might get a little hurt at times, but that NORMAL!

The last thing I will say is something I always tell women. “How your man treats his mother is how he is going to treat you.”

I will never forget being on a date with a guy who (I promise I’m not making this up) was referring to his mom as a “stupid idiot.” I couldn’t get out of the car fast enough when he dropped me off, and I never saw the guy again.

If a guy fears his mom and then resents her, he will do that to the person he marries, even subconsciously.

All men should treat their moms with kindness, respect and gratitude. That’s a given. But he should do that because he WANTS to do that, not because the mom expects it. No mom is perfect, but men should do the best they can to try to have the best relationship they possibly can with their mom, AND to facilitate the best relationship between their mom and their girlfriend or wife.

THAT is how women feel about men and their mommies!

 

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Wildwood Daze – Spring of 1980 – The Union Jacks – Part 1

“Thanks to my dad, (the classical music enthusiast,) ‘Tommy” was properly released to the world.”

I went to my dad and ran by my band name dilemma. I don’t know why but the more I thought about it the more it made sense.

They never got me guitar lessons and gave piano lessons to non-musical sister Janice for two years. I discovered music and rock on my own. Forced my way into bands and made my own way. Bought my own killer guitar with my own earned money. They in turn bought me the finest amplifier on the island to speak my voice. (Actually to roar the voice of the unheard louder than anyone on the island with that Marshall amp.)

All is forgiven and awesome in the same breath.

My dad’s brother Jack had always worked in the music industry all his adult life. Columbia Records. The real deal.

My father loved classical music and opera. Jack knew nothing of this and would give my dad dozens of great records every year. My dad could understand them and tell Jack what was good and what was sub par.

My uncle Jack worked with the likes of Barbra Streisand and Andy Williams. He was a major producer, but I never thought of him as a person that could help me make it, just a bit of guidance.

Once My uncle Jack was working with a rock band that was very popular in the sixties and seventies. They wanted to do a concept album. A rock opera, which was unheard of then. Even the Beatles hadn’t of thought of that. (Well, Sgt. Pepper)

They submitted their work to then producer Jack for some input and he had no clue about opera. He only understood popular music, the business, production and vocalists.

He turned to his brother, my father with the concept of a ‘rock opera’ by a popular rock band.

“Well if their serious about making a rock opera then they need a libretto. Every opera has a libretto.” My father said to his brother.

li·bret·to
ləˈbredō/
noun
 
  1. the text of an opera or other long vocal work.

 

My uncle Jack went back to Pete Townsend of The Who and told him they needed to make a libretto that must be included with their finished work.

Thanks to my dad, (the classical music enthusiast,) ‘Tommy” was properly released to the world.

One of the greatest creative achievements by The Who.

That is some real shit right there.

So I go to him and tell him what we’re doing. I need to come up with a cool name for our band.

“It sounds like you guys play plenty of British music. Beatles, Stones, Led Zeppelin, The Stones. What if you call the band, Union Jack?”

My dad was always a deadly marketing guy and could have killed it in the ad business.

“What’s that?”

“The British flag is called the Union Jack.”

“I like that. I’m going to take that back to the boys.”

_________________________________________________________

Two nights later everybody is making their pitch for what the new band should be called and I explain why we should be called Union Jack.

Everybody loves it except Brian.

Why?

Brian is in love with John Waite and the a band called the Babys. I get it. I love that band too. They are terrific and horribly underrated. They just ironically came out with an album called “Union Jacks.”

He wants the band be called, “The Union Jacks.”

Jim agrees with me that ‘Union Jack’ is enough but we yield to Brian’s might.

We are now The Union Jacks.

But… thanks dad. You fucking rock.

As the band Nazereth would say: “Close enough for rock and roll.”

I had acquired a drab green army jacket and had the Union Jacks put on the back of it. Jim followed suite and had the name of the band put on the back of his denim jacket.

It was cool to be part of a cool new band and felt the name gave us an identity as a musical entity.

One night Jim and I were walking down the boardwalk together in Wildwood, and this group of teenage girls were like, “Hey Union Jacks!”

We just smiled and waved and enjoyed the fame.

This little blonde shouted, “You’re the guy with the black guitar!”

I think I had a Lief Garret moment right then. (google it youngsters)

 

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