Dating and Relationship Advice: The Surprising Reason Your Easy-Going Attitude Is Actually Hurting Your Relationship

Some disagreements are meant to be had.

It happens to lots of people, especially women. You meet the person you believe is your soulmate. You believe you will live happily ever after and you will always have all your needs met because he will know exactly how to take care of you.

The Surprising Reason Your Easy-Going Attitude Is Actually Hurting Your Relationship

Then you get married. You have a belief that it is your responsibility to keep things on an even keel all the time. You begin to work at keeping the peace in your house by never speaking up about what you really think or feel or need. You figure you must keep the peace no matter what, and therefore, you try to be easy-going.

He will just know what you need and want and make sure that you are loved and taken care of because that is what you assumed he would do. After all, he’s your soul mate.

You begin keeping the peace in small ways. Then as the children come along, you insist on taking on the “responsibility to keep everyone happy.” Your spouse says where would you like to go, or what would you like to do, or which restaurant you would like to go to, and you respond, “It doesn’t matter to me!” in an effort at being easy-going and agreeable.

You convince yourself that this is the best way to keep the peace.

Then one day, say about 20-25 years later, you say to your spouse that you are not happy and you want a divorce. Your spouse is dumbfounded because he believed that you had a great marriage. You did all kinds of things together as a couple and as a family. He goes to get help from a counselor and gets you to come with him.

When he hears from you that you “Never had a choice in anything,” he again is dumbfounded. He says something to the effect, “I always asked you what and where you wanted to go or do and you would say I don’t care, you choose. So I would and you would seem to be OK with it. Now you are saying that I always made all the decisions without your input! What are you talking about!?!”

Let’s take a look at some things that have happened over time to you and your spouse and where the communication fell apart.

Here are 5 ways that being easy-going and keeping the peace at all costs could be ruining your relationship:

1. Over time, you have begun to feel resentment toward your spouse.

This obviously is detrimental to your relationship. You believed that by deferring to your spouse all the time to keep the peace has been the best way to have a good relationship. However, you are not a very happy person.

You feel neglected, unloved, and uncared for. You haven’t spoken up and revealed your true thoughts and feelings because you were afraid that the consequences would be discord. You are so intent on keeping things “harmonious” that you didn’t let your spouse know that you were feeling unloved and uncared for and that your needs are not being met.

In essence, you have not been truthful with your spouse, but he does not know that.

2. You are feeling more and more disappointed in your relationship.

You believed that your spouse should just know what you need in your life to feel loved and cared for. You believe that if you keep the peace and let him have his “way” about things that he will automatically show you love and care and that he will consider your needs above his own. How disappointed are you when that doesn’t happen?

Your disappointment continues to grow over time. You were so convinced that if you kept the peace your relationship would be a “happily ever after” one. Now, all you can think about is how hurt you are that he seemingly does not care about you and neither does anyone else, even your children, in your home.

3. You have set a pattern in your relationship that you and your spouse are always in agreement.

Others look at your relationship and are actually jealous of what they see. They think that you have the perfect relationship and that you are always in agreement. Your spouse believes that you are always in agreement. You have done a great job of teaching him that you will always acquiesce to his desires and that you are actually very willing to do so.

The more you do that, the more your spouse and your children (if you have them) believe you will and begin to expect that you will. You have developed a pattern of giving in and letting others really walk all over you.

4. Your spouse begins to develop a false sense of security in your relationship.

Your spouse believes that your marital relationship is great and that you are always in agreement with each other. The problem is that one of you is lying about how you feel overall in your relationship. That person is you.

You actually feel that your spouse doesn’t care about what you think or feel, but really what has happened is he has been lulled into believing that you are both on the same page all the time and that you are as happy as he is with it all. Your spouse believes the lie he has been convinced of over time by you. You’ve done a great job of keeping the peace — but at what expense to your relationship?

5. By the time you actually reveal the truth about how you feel, it may be too late for your marriage relationship to recover.

Your resentment has become so deep and your pain is so intense that you may feel all that is left is to get out of your marriage. Your spouse may feel so blindsided by your revelation that he is unable to come to terms with it. He will scratch his head and wonder how in the world this happened.

He probably will be very overwhelmed with the fact that the marriage he thought he had has been a lie. He may believe he does not even know that person he thought he knew and believed he had married. He may try to do all kinds of things to show you that he loves you and cares for you, but you may believe that it is too little too late.

When you think about all the consequences, especially the end of a marriage relationship, the fear of telling the truth from the beginning is a much better way to go. You may experience some not so peaceful moments in your relationship, but it is important to work together and talk through each of your thoughts and feelings about what is important to you.

If you have not been telling the truth over the years you’ve been together, be prepared for your spouse to feel he has been deceived. You can teach him to believe you, but you have to be persistent and continue to follow through with telling the truth. The work will be hard, but you can do it. Stick with it. Don’t give up.

If you need help, get professional help to guide you through the difficulty of making these changes in your relationship. You can have a relationship that is based on love and truth, but you have to face your own fears related to what peace really is and that sometimes you have to “rock the boat” a little to get to a peaceful solution.

 

Was this helpful? I’d love to hear your thoughts in regard to this subject!

 

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Kelsey – The One Hour Nightmare – Part 1

“The dam holding back her emotions finally burst and she began crying, turning her eye makeup into dark rivers of grief.”

A few years ago I agreed to a blind date. Numbers were exchanged, phone calls were made and she and I planned to have dinner that Friday evening. This is a timeline of said date.

Enjoy!

6:45 PM – I arrive at her house to pick her up. I know this seems odd for blind date protocol but she had requested that, rather than both of us meet at the restaurant, I pick her up because her car is not street legal. (What?) She walks out of her house dressed in a revealing top, short skirt and heels. Looks kinda hot and I’m a leg man so, all good.

The one thing that seemed odd was that she was wearing enough eye makeup to make the likes of RuPaul and Lady Gaga cringe. As she approached the car, I could smell the distinct aroma of vodka. When she hugged me hello I could tell that she had been pre-gaming this date BIG TIME. I opened the door for her, helped her into the car and away we went to share a magical evening together.

6:55 PM – We arrive at the sushi bar. I had suggested another restaurant for our date – a new locally owned restaurant that had received terrific reviews and was the talk of the town, but she declined the idea based on the fact that she had never heard of the place and that, for a first date, I should take her some place “nice”. The conversation in the car was standard getting-to-know-you stuff. She complimented me on my attire, she requested that music be changed from the alt-rock station to the hip-hop station because she didn’t “listen to that faggot shit” and she questioned whether or not I was a serial killer. Y’know, standard stuff.

7:00 PM – We are seated and given menus. She opens her menu and orders a bottle of Tokyo Rose (a combination of sake and plum wine). As the waiter is walking away, my date opens her menu and says, “Know what’s weird? I really like Jap food but I just can’t stand Japs!” I look up from my menu and search her face for any trace of sarcasm or irony. I also notice out of the corner of my eye that the waiter, upon hearing this, froze in place for a brief moment, shook his head as if he imagined the whole thing and then went about his business. She then continued on. “I also really don’t like…’and proceeded to list every single ethnic and racial slur that I had ever heard and a good number that I had not.’ The waiter returned with our drinks shortly thereafter.

7:06 PM – After placing our food orders (I ordered a tuna roll, she ordered a salad because the thought of eating raw fish make her sick) she asked me an odd question. “Are you hairy?” I cannot recall if anyone had ever asked me that before and was unsure as to how I should answer.

“I’m a grown man, so I do have body hair. I’m not Chewbacca but I don’t look like a 10-year-old boy either.”

Apparently this was an issue for her. “Well if we’re gonna fuck tonight then we need to wax that shit off because I don’t play that way!”

I had already decided before the date began that there was to be no fucking, so I was not too worried about being violently shorn that evening. Quick to change the subject, I decided to ask a question that might distract her vodka-and-saki soaked mind.

“So do you have any tattoos?”

Her eyes lit up and she nodded excitedly.

7:12 PM – My delicate flower of a date throws her leg on to the table, and shows me a tattoo that wraps around her ankle. It’s some generic-looking tribal pattern with a few kanji characters worked in to the design. She explains that the japanese script are actually the names of her future children, Dylan and Skyler. As she rotates her ankle to show off the design, she knocks the half-empty bottle of sake on to the floor.

7:16 PM – An amused waiter assists me with my attempt to soak up the spilled liquor from the carpet while my date reveals her second tattoo.

“My other tattoo is a tramp stamp”, she says, loud enough for everyone to hear, “but I don’t show that to everybody.”

Somehow, my brain thinks that it’s a good idea to ask why not. Her response? “Because it’s a big ol’ heart. I got it so that when you’re fucking me in the ass, you know that I love you!”

The waiter and I lock eyes as I attempt to develop the power of telepathy. I imagine our mental conversation went something like this:

Me: “Dude, you GOTTA help me out here. This chick’s a hot mess. Please just get us our food and bring me the check.”

Him: “Ha ha ha no way man! This is fucking hilarious! I’m gonna go tell everyone in the kitchen to laugh at your sorry ass!”

He promptly vanished in to the kitchen.

 

That all happened in just the first 15 minutes!

Tune in tomorrow for the next 45 minutes of terror on, “One Hour Nightmare!”

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day at 8am & 12pm EST.

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