Your partner cheated on you. You discovered the affair. You both have been working on the relationship and trying to heal so you can learn how to trust again. However, you have been hurt in one of the most painful ways possible and it is difficult to let your guard down.
“What if they do it again? Then I will REALLY feel like a fool!”
You cannot fully allow yourself the joy of being loved if you are protecting yourself from being hurt. And we know there are no guarantees.
So you know you need to take a risk but want to take a smart risk. So, when is the right time to let go and trust again?
Here are 5 possible signs that let you know it is time to let go, let your guard down and go all the way in:
1. They are willing to understand the “why”.
Your partner is very interested in understanding the deeper reasons why they betrayed you. Usually, that means that there was a willingness to spend time with a qualified therapist whether in individual therapy, or couples therapy, or both.
As you both discover the underlying reasons for the infidelity, you are able to observe concrete differences in the formerly cheating partner’s behavior. This behavior is a far better alternative to the problem than the affair.
For example, if your partner realized he or she did not feel close to you, you notice that he or she initiates meaningful dialogues on a daily basis.
3. They don’t contact the other party.
There is absolutely no contact with any people with whom the infidelity occurred. Any other secretive behaviors (such as hiding money) have ceased.
You, the betrayed partner, are feeling closer to your partner. Even though you get insecure and suspicious at times, in your calmer moments, you are feeling more at ease.
5. You both are having fun with each other.
Increasingly, you laugh together and you look forward to being with your partner. Of course, you can tell that your partner wants to spend time with you as well. You can see it in his or her eyes and verbal and nonverbal behavior.
There are no guarantees but the more of the above signs that you notice, the better the risk.
Professionally, when I see all 5 signs at least a good part of the time, I encourage the betrayed partner to “go all in”. Of course, it is not an exact science and often when the formerly betrayed partner goes all in, these 5 signs can be enhanced.
Often it is a step-by-step, gradual increase of trust that needs to be nourished along by both partners as well as the therapist involved.
Was this helpful? I’d love to hear your thoughts in regard to this subject!
Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day at 8am & 12 pm EST.
“Every time I come here it’s always something different and I love it. I always feel so anazing. You’re so good to me”
It’s been a crazy week, but all things considered, a good one. I got to see Cherie three times this week. That is an all time record! First on Monday afternoon after her appointment with the doctor. Then Wednesday for lunch, and the Friday into Saturday for the final grand slam.
Monday I met her down on Spruce street. The weather has been lovely so we were walking along trying to figure out where to have lunch. We finally ended up at Barra Rossa down around 11th and Walnut street. It’s a nice Italian spot that does good brick oven pizza and has delicious pasta and meatballs. Cherie went with the Salmon salad, which looked amazing, and I had spaghetti and meatballs. Just standard fare.
Our time is so limited, but I think it makes it more exciting. Normally when you’re in a relationship you can see that person most of the time, and I think that’s where couples screw it up. My father used to say, if you drink Monday, and have another one on Tuesday, you’ll be looking for a drink on Wednesday. We’re creatures of habit and we like to have the things we like as much as we can.
But with Cherie its physically impossible. This easy-going lovely woman has a lot on her plate most days and so do I. But when its on…its on. The time we have together is precious and few, so we have to make the most of it when that window opens. If it’s just a few hours, it’s lunch. If it’s a full Saturday, it’s food, movies, games, sex, and everything else.
That said, I always enjoy my time with her, whether it be short or long. I’m just happy to be with her. I like my time with her, and I also enjoy my life when I’m alone. This is really the first time where I have been in a healthy relationship with balance. I work, I spend time with my friends, and I have a girlfriend. I don’t have to “put in my time” at some insufferable, immature girl’s shitty apartment to know I give a shit, like when I was with that selfish loser, Annabelle. (See: Annabelle – Nice To Meet You)
Cherie is respectful of my time. She’ll always ask me when I may have free time to see her. She may very well be the perfect girl for me. I’ve never met anyone like her before. It just really always feels like a match. Although we’re from different worlds, it works on so many levels.
On Wednesday, we decided to meet up again, simply because there was once again a window of opportunity. Some time ago, I had told her about the wings at Moriarty’s. She said she likes buffalo wings so I decided to take her today. Moriarty’s leaves the whole wing together. It’s an uncommon thing when it comes to wings in this city, but when they bring that plate out, if you’re hungry, you’ve got a pretty good-sized meal!
We split and order, and are just happy to see each other twice in one week. We chat about our lives and what’s going on with her work and my work, and the salon, and her son, etc. It’s great. Just another happy, normal couple. She had said that she’s been suffering from some neck and back pain. I tell her I’ll figure something out and give her a nice massage when she comes to me on Saturday. I can tell she’s excited about that but I tell her I have little experience but will do my best to make her feel better. This will all lead to incredible magic, but if I can help her feel better I’ll do anything.
I walk her to the train and off she goes again.
But the tension is building. The desire is beginning to smolder. Saturday night is coming in two days and so will we.
Saturday arrives and for the first time in a month I haven’t been working both jobs. It actually my first day off in a long time. The weather is warm and the world is out in the city. But apparently it’s supposed to rain, and the temps will cool off again. I don’t care. I just want her to come.
She says the weather is so rainy where she lives that she may have to take a later train and get in at 6:05 instead of 5:30pm. I stopped at the salon and Trish and I are chatting. Trish tells me that she never got a pass card to the electronic lock to downstairs. I tell her I’ll get Cherie at Suburban Station and then come to the salon and lock up after 6pm. Trish says she’s going to tan so no worries. Whatever.
I’m standing in Suburban and I can’t believe the level of homeless people down there. It’s like the fucking Walking Dead or Z Nation. I vow in that moment if my new business takes off and I make great revenue I will work hard to help solve the homeless problem in this city and also help children. I don’t know what came over me but I know that’s what I have to do for Philadelphia for taking me back after so many years of being away and being so gracious to me with its employment, wine, women, and song.
I’m standing there fending off the homeless like 10K in Z Nation when baby appears. Like always she has her huge backpack full of books and whatever else. I like a girl that’s prepared for anything.
I look at it and she looks at me.
“How long are you staying for?”
She laughs. “Stop it. School stuff.”
I lead her out of that humid hell and get her topside on the street. It’s raining.
“Shit. I left my umbrella in my car.”
I have an umbrella but produce a second for my lady. (Gotta be prepared boys!)
“You’re awesome. Thank you.”
We walk over to the new salon on Walnut and Trish is coming down the steps. I just need to swipe my card and the place will be all locked up.
Upside: Our new salon is secured.
Downside: I have to hold an umbrella over Trish’s head to keep her dry because she lives in the apartment below me. Now I have to listen to her shit while keeping her dry all of the way back to our house and I just want to be with my girlfriend. Cherie as always is super cool and just strolls behind us safe under the umbrella I provided for her but I have to listen to Trish talk all the way home and not talk to my queen that just traveled an hour in the rain into Philly to see my sorry ass after two weeks. So it was agood deed but it was in the fucking way of my love. (See: Trish – The She Wolf)
We finally get to the house and Cherie and I head upstairs. She loves me and has an uncanny sense of reading me. She knows it was a grind but the right thing to do. I’m in love and I’m selfish when it comes to the girl I’m with. I love you neighbor, but I need to focus on my love.
We go in and back to my bedroom. I’m so happy to have Cherie here. There’s something that’s happening here that is extraordinary that hasn’t occurred with Michelle of Annabelle. I take her coat like I always do. Just being a gentleman and she drops her bag.
We’ve planted the wet umbrellas near the door and we’re in and a bit soaked. She’s standing in my bedroom checking her phone for son, babysitter, family, sister stuff. I approach her and just hug her from behind.
She drops her head and I kiss her slender neck. My hands clutch her. I miss her. I have seen and spent time with her this week, but it’s never the same. This is the woman I love that I never get to see. She yields to my kisses as I hold her close. She can feel me against her. I want her already. But I know the night is young and it will be a slow burn that will build into an inferno that’ll consume us both.
Shark week is over and the real shark is ready to feed upon her. I can’t keep my hands from her. She’s wearing a light shirt and no bra today. She has shredded jeans that show off snippets of her brown thighs. I love her.
I want her.
She’s doing her thing on her phone but I know the inevitable is coming. But it’s going to come many times later. She feels my urgency against her and knows it’s just a matter of pageantry.
It feels so good to hold my woman in this private place. There’s no one here tonight but us. There’s no one else in the world tonight but us. Lorelei (daughter) is long gone for the weekend with her boyfriend. No one is coming here tonight but us. This moment is ours.
I’ve laid out a special blanket for Cherie’s massage over the bed tonight.
“No one ever gave me a massage before.”
Nobody?”
“No. I never asked so I guess I never got.”
“Well you’ve been experiencing pain, so as your boyfriend, I am authorized to make my girlfriend feel better.
“Thank you so much…”
I got this really awesome coconut based oil that is good for massages apparently. I ordered it on Amazon and this shit was God. Think of a massage oil that works beautifully to work out all of the kinks in your girl’s neck and arms and back and after a while it just vanishes and isn’t oily or greasy and you can just have at her?
Cherie slowly stripped in front of me for her massage. She had on some sort of black sheer top on under her shirt and some fun cotton panties. She laid face down on the blanket and I applied the oil. It was a little chilly at first, but I soon realized I needed to put it in my hands and then rub it on her body
It was exquisite.
Guys you’re missing out if you don’t give your lady a massage. Just get some good lotion or oil and watch some YouTube videos. Hell, Trish gave me pointers.
She LOVED it. I worked the oil into her neck with my fingers and then down through her back and fixed all of her problems. It was amazing. I realized in that moment that giving your woman a massage wasn’t about the quality of the massage. I don’t know what I’m doing but I have good gentle, firm hands. It’s about that you took the time to buy some sweet oil, put on some music, lit some candles and actually took care of your baby.
Guys… you could suck at giving a massage to your lady, but the fact that you took the time to take care of her and pamper her will make it work. I promise you. Do it! This is a call to action, because what will follow will be amazing.
What happens during the massage is this. You heat your lady up in a way that no one has ever done before. Men love uncharted territory. Guy, this is the way in. I didn’t need to do this tonight, but she LOVED it. Could I have done better? Yes! but it didn’t matter.Cherie loved that I did it and as she would say:
“Every time I come here it’s always something different and I love it. I always feel so good. You’re so good to me”
That’s better than sex because that makes you different and powerful and she knows you’re the one she wants to be with because you aren’t like every other asshole she’s ever met. Set yourself apart and go forward with sensuous romance, gentleman!
It’s amazing for you. I’m running my hands all over her beautiful body. She’s all oiled up. Feel how soft her thighs are. How firm her calves are from running track in high school. How soft and full her supple breasts are and how she responds to your touch.
Avoid her lady parts. It will make her seethe for you to go further.
Go in close to all over her erogenous zones but stay away. She’ll be begging you to fuck her.
I know you will all find this hard to belive but I only suggested the massage because Cherie had said on several occasions that she had been suffering from neck and back pain and I really wanted to help. because I’m a giver and so is she.
This massage set the stage for the most fiery sex I’ve ever experienced in my life. Cherie and I are so sweet and gentle in our love everyday but when the lights go out, (Or stay on as I prefer it) that shit is absolute fire.
The coconut oil is perfect because it goes on juicy and works beautifully and then it actually dries and disappears on the skin. It’s perfect so there is no oily grossness or staining of sheets. this organic delish actually made her skin softer and she loved it.
I asked her if I was doing a good job and she said it was perfect. I asked her if she has any specific pain areas I coud work on, and she said just go lower. Me being phicklephilly, just thought she had lower back pain , but she wanted me to attack her areas.
I loved rubbing this oil all over her. It was amazing. She loved it. If you’re reading this, please do it for a loved one and it will always turn out right. It’s almost like pre-foreplay.
At this point I’m glad I have drawn my massive blue curtains so my neighbors aren’t losing their shit from what they are about to witness. This aging gentleman throttling this beautiful young black girl in his bed for the next twelve hours.
So after the massage, she’s primed and ready to roll. But there is something else…
Tune in again in tomorrow and see what happens next!
Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day 8am & 12pm EST.
Phicklephilly 