Getting someone to have sex with you once sounds easy. But like other simple-sounding tasks — red or black, head or tails, Donald Trump or anyone else — a wrong turn can leave you in a lot of trouble. A study by Durham University found that only 54% of women had positive feelings about their last hook-up — with the main downers being that they felt used, unappreciated or found it far from sexually satisfying. It’s the kind of damning feedback that could make you punch a whiteboard at work. This, however is the right way to go about it:
1. Be Prepared To Put Some Work In
Tinder has cajoled us into thinking casual sex is ours for as little investment as saying ‘Hey!’ or iMessaging a shot of our intimates. The realistic outcome? Cock blocked (with the emphasis on the second word). Of 1,500 users of Hinge — a dating app that matches via social media connections — only 2% wanted a hook-up over a relationship. Even if women do, there’s a hurdle: Brunel University found that while men drop their one-night standards, women raise them. In the study, both sexes were given three options — go out, come to apartment, go to bed — then shown partners of varying attractiveness. Men picked ‘bed’ regardless of looks, while women only accepted ‘bed’ from men who were very good looking. So next time you’re swiping, put some legwork into that finger-work.
2. Don’t Race To Seal The Deal
I can’t stress this enough. Recognizing that a woman’s interested is not your cue to try to hurry things up to the finish line. Unless your life expectancy is four hours, bolting from the bar to the bedroom only suggests to a woman that your lasting power in the sack is going to be minimal, too. It’s another thing to send your stock plummeting. Instead, enjoy the pre-sex part: don’t get too drunk (if you do, before sex is the time to call the event off — not mid-sex when you feel a wave of queasiness…), memorize her name, and source protection. By which I mean contraception, not a back-up plan.
3. Make It Worth Her While (As Well As Yours)
For years, people assumed women’s reluctance to engage in no-strings sex was through fear of developing emotional attachment. More recent research suggests something less complimentary: women just don’t get much out of it. New York University looked at 24,000 people’s hook-ups and found only 40% of women had an orgasm in their last one-nighter — compared to 80% of men. While Sociologist Elizabeth Armstrong’s research puts it closer to the 10% mark for ladies. One woman, of her 15,000 interviewees, admitted, “I will do everything in my power to, like whoever I’m with, to get [him] off.” On the likelihood of returning the favor, a man replied, “In a hook-up, I don’t give a shit.”
4. Stay The Right Side Of Filthy
When it comes to the wildness of our abandon, experts agree that both sexes frequently feel emboldened by casual sex’s fleeting nature. “On a one-night stand, a woman might feel more comfortable saying something like, ‘pull my hair’ because she won’t see you again. Whereas if you say to someone long-term, ‘stick your finger up my butt’, you’ve still got to have breakfast with them,” says clinical sexologist Naomi Hutchings. However, don’t show off — two satisfying, rhythmic positions beats seven awkward attempts — and remember you’re still not a porn star. If you’d get a slap attempting it with a girlfriend, a one-night stand — i.e. someone’s future girlfriend — is unlikely to appreciate it, either.
5. Do Stay The Night
“I’ve got work in the morning,” is never, ever a valid get-out. Trying to do the walk (well, sprint) of shame straight after the deed — or, by stealth, when she’s still asleep in the morning — either makes the other person feel second rate, or the experience seem second rate. Which, hopefully, if you followed the points above it wasn’t. In having a one-night stand, you’ve made your bed for the night — now you’ve got to lay in it. For at least seven hours.
6. But Don’t Fake Emotion
If there’s one key rule to one-night stand by, it’s to be crystal clear about your intentions. For all the bravado we spout about casual sex’s lack of emotions, it’s essentially hubris — there are always feelings involved, from anxiety that one person is getting used to morning-after guilt. The best way to minimize negative emotions — on either side — is absolute honesty about what the experience is (i.e. one night only). Do not undo this clarity with mixed messages: asking about a woman’s family goals, suggesting going out for brunch afterwards, spooning, even getting her number all hint at the potential for something more. Women can thrive on the thrill and brevity of a one-night stand — it’s these emotional add-ons that complicate matters. A simple, “I had a great time with you” or “Thanks for the hot night” (plus offering an Uber) is fine.
7. That Said, Be Prepared For It To Turn Into More
There you were, determined to be cool and nonchalant and all about the bachelor lifestyle, when you ended up meeting a woman who’s attractive, smart, funny, and so electric in bed that you want round two (and many more). Life is so unfair sometimes. Don’t blame your personal resolve: A study in Archives of Sexual Behavior found that 45% of men actually hoped their one-night stand would become a committed relationship. So much for those clingy ladies, huh.
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