Dating and Relationship Advice – Things Men Say That Make Women Feel Insecure

“Being a happy ornament denies one’s full humanness.”

You’re probably a pretty secure woman. You know you’re strong and worthwhile, but sometimes your partner may say something that just makes you want to hide. It’s not just you — there are certain things men say that can make even the most confident woman feel bad about herself. I went to the experts to find out what those things are. Guys, listen up: these are the things you’re saying that are making your partner feel insecure.

 

Wow, that girl is so hot

It baffles my mind that some men think it’s okay to ogle other women in front of their partners, and it probably surprises you as well. When a man talks about the attractiveness of other women, it’s a sure way to make you doubt yourself.

One of the most disrespectful things that men say in front of women is commenting about and objectifying other women. It makes women feel small and sets them up for insecurity.

Men should be respectful not only about what they say, but “where their eyes wander.” Practice saying kind things to and about your partner, whether or not she’s there. This will take you out of the habit of objectification and into appreciation.”

 

That’s a dumb idea

Even if you think of yourself as an intelligent woman, it can be a blow if your partner devalues your ideas. And if you doubt your smarts, it’s even more damaging when your partner tells you that your ideas aren’t valid.

A study in Science magazine found that as young as six years old, girls already feel that they are not as smart as boys. When a partner confirms a woman’s fears about not being smart enough, it can be more hurtful than he may be aware.

She suggested that instead of men shooting down the ideas of their partners, to recognize her intelligence and emphasize her strengths.

 

You’ve gained some weight

Unfortunately, many women harbor deep insecurities about their weight. Comments about your weight and body can trigger those insecurities and leave you feeling embarrassed about your appearance.

Women are acculturated to equate self-worth with beauty and desirability. It is a challenge for women to strike a healthy balance with their self concept and vanity in a world that is often more preoccupied with how a woman looks than who she is.When a woman’s spouse or boyfriend makes a comment about weight gain, it can make her feel that she is unappealing.

The best thing for a relationship is for men to “assure [your partner] that you love her and believe she’s beautiful no matter what. Saying anything negative about her appearance, even if well-intentioned, will only create insecurity and a feeling of inadequacy, which is unhealthy for any person or relationship.

 

That biological clock is really ticking

Many women are all too aware of their age, especially if they want to have kids. One of the worst things a man (or really, anyone), can tell a woman is that her biological clock is ticking, especially because it can often be difficult to conceive.

For a lot of women, there is a challenge to balance the pursuit of motherhood with desires for intellectual and career goals. She shared, “When a man tells a woman her biological clock is ticking, it can trigger deep fears of not actualizing the desire to be a mother and create a family or cause a woman who may not be intent on that goal to feel as if she is not measuring up to being the sort of woman she ‘should be’.

Instead, she added advised that men who understand these struggles modern women are facing, and who are sensitive to the way women are being pulled in so many directions, are more able to “engage in a thoughtful dialogue about becoming a parent.”

 

Don’t get hysterical

Do you wear your emotions on your sleeve?  When men make negative comments about how you express your feelings, it can activate your insecurities and make you feel like shutting down.

Women who are assertive often carry the onus of being a hysteric or a shrew. When a man makes this comment, he may be condescendingly implying that a woman is out of control. Hence, a woman may doubt the validity of her own authority and question if in fact she comes across as abrasive and tyrannical.

However, if a man is comfortable with a woman’s power, he’s open and able to debate with one who is also passionate and assertive.

 

Why don’t you smile?

I tend to be pretty serious some of the time, and I’ve often been told I need to smile more. Interestingly, most of the people who have told me this are other women. But it’s also detrimental when your partner expects you to smile or be happy all the time, because it means he’s not valuing your other, equally valid, emotions.

Being a happy ornament denies one’s full humanness. Hence, when a man requests a woman to smile or asks why she isn’t smiling, it implies that other more serious sides to her are unappealing. It suggests that she be one-dimensional to accommodate another.

A man who wants to know all aspects of a woman, not just the “pleasant” parts, really embraces all of her faces.

 

You don’t dress sexy

In the beginning of a relationship, it’s natural to pull out all the stops when you’re picking what to wear. But when you’ve been with your partner for awhile, and especially if you live with him, you may wear sweatpants and t-shirts more often than not. If your partner comments on your dress, it can make you feel like you’re less desirable because you’ve allowed yourself to relax and wear what makes you feel comfortable.

When a man makes this comment, a woman can take it as a rejection of her style, her need for modesty or an implied demand to be more provocative so as to be interesting and desirable.

That said, this doesn’t mean a man can never mention the way his woman dresses. If a man playfully requests that his partner dress in a way that evokes his passion, while complimenting her intrinsic appeal and beauty, this wish for her to dress sexy becomes contextual not absolutist.

 

Are you on the rag?

How do you feel when someone asks you if you have your period? It’s a rude way of saying that you’re acting irrational or overly emotional, and it probably either makes you feel annoyed or insecure. Menstruation is already bad enough without all of your anger being attributed to your raging hormones instead of valid emotions. When a man arbitrarily throws out this comment whenever a woman is moody or annoyed, it sends the message that only a biochemical imbalance could explain her irrationality. It shuts down any opportunity to dialogue about what may be ailing his girlfriend or spouse and creates a wall of resentment.

 

Bringing up past insecurities

While there are some universal statements that will make a woman insecure, one of the worst things your partner can do is intentionally bring up things that he knows make you feel insecure, especially as a weapon during an argument.

For example, if a woman had terrible acne as a teen and she felt ashamed at the time, if a man calls her pizza face, he is intentionally evoking those childhood memories and bringing up those feelings all over again.

 

Thanks. I hope this was helpful. I’d like to hear your thoughts on this piece.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day at 8am & 12pm EST.

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Mary, Mia, Daphne, Alexa, & Carly. We Call It Wednesday

The reason the stock photo for this entry has several women in it is because I encountered so many lovely ladies today.

Wednesday I decide to eat lunch at Misconduct at 18th and JFK. I love the chicken tenders and my friend Mary works there. (See: Mary – 2016 to Present – Unexpected Table For Two) I take a small table by the door. It’s right against the wall across from the hostess stand so I can chat with Mary.

We catch up on what’s been happening in our lives and the tenders are delicious as always. The lunch rush is over around 2:30 and I’ve got my eye on the table in the corner. There are two guys there and they’re finishing up. Hot Mia is still going to be my server. She’s a cute little Latina girl who’s new.

The guys leave and I move over there. Now my back is to the wall in the corner and I can see the whole restaurant and bar. I can also plug in my laptop and phone and charge up for a bit while I work on some accounts.

3pm rolls around and Mia asks if I want anything else. I ask her for a Manhattan straight up with a side of ice. She delivers and it’s beautiful. I sip it and type away. I like restaurants at this time of day. It’s that lull between lunch and happy hour and I can chill in the quiet.

One of the servers that I’ve known since the Maria days, (See: Maria – 2016 to Present – Amor En Vano) Brianna comes over and gives me a hug. She’s a delicious baby with raven curls that tumble to her shoulders. A slender legged caramel skinned delight. (See: Daphne – 2015 to Present – Lovely Hostess – Part 2) 

It’s getting close to 4:30 and I have to meet up with my friend, Carla. (Another friend I’ve never written a post about, but she did appear in the Epilogue of the Annabelle series)

I’ve chosen for us to meet at Tir Na Nog, the Irish pub over at 16th and Arch. My friend Johnny R. likes going there, because they get all of the international soccer games on their TVs.  (See: Johnny R. – 2011 to Present -Needle in the Groove) I’m not a huge fan of the place because it gets noisy, it’s busy, and it’s usually a sausagefest. I’m not a sports fan either so it’s a no for me.

But… hot Alexa works there as a bartender tonight! (See: Alexa – 2016 to Present – The New Hookup) She’s the girl that comes into the salon and told me to come in when she’s working and she would give me free drinks and I would just tip her. I need more hookups around the city. I have four now. So let’s see if she follows through.

I get my bill at Misconduct and the Manhattans were only $7 a piece. That’s cheap.

I get to Tir Na Nog and the bar is packed and noisy. I hate this place. I find a seat at the end of the bar next to the wall. Alexa sees me.

“Hey there! you came in! What can I get you?”

“Manhattan, please.”

“What kind of whiskey do you want?”

“I don’t care.”

“I’ll give you Bulliet.”

“Nice! Thanks!”

She brings it and it has a cherry and a rind of lemon in it. I can’t say anything because I didn’t tell her how I like it, I just hope it’s free. Carla arrives and I’m happy to see her. It’s probably been a year. She orders a beer and I introduce her to Alexa.

We catch up and I give her all the news. She’s the marketing director for a major restaurant chain here in the city. It’s a big job and keeps her plenty busy. If I hadn’t reached out to her I probably wouldn’t have heard from her again. Maybe?

I notice she is very chatty. Almost too much. I like Carly and she is one of the normal women I know. That’s why I kept her around. I’ve cut out all of the crazies from my life. I tell her everything that’s going on with me and she says I seem more calm than I’ve ever been. She’s right.

I tell Alexa we are moving to Dan Dan (A Suezuan and Taiwanese place down the street) My friend Norm works there as a bartender and he says it’s always happy hour prices when I go there. I love the hook ups! I’ve had two Manhattans and Carla has had two beers. I ask Alexa how we proceed. Normally the bill should be $36 plus tip, so you’re looking at $44 all told.

“You’re all set.”

I throw down a twenty-dollar bill and Alexa smiles and grabs it.

“That’s it. We’re good. Thank you.”

And that was it. $40 worth of drinks for $20 and Alexa gets a $20 tip instead of a $7 tip. Hookups work as long as she doesn’t get caught. I think I like Tir na Nog again.

We’re both happy to be off and out of that place. We walk south on 16th and rush hour is in full force in the city. We get to Dan dan and Norm is there. He’s been away in Italy for 10 days and we’re happy he’s back. I think that’s a trend in the service industry. They work and make a chunk of money and then go travel somewhere to break from the stressful life of that industry. I think it’s pretty cool.

Carla and I order up some delicious noodles and pot stickers with some wine. It’s the perfect ending to a fun day surrounded by good people.

 

Oh… here’s a little bonus dating advice video I like. Enjoy!

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day at 8am & 12pm EST.

Instagram: @phicklephilly                 Facebook: phicklephilly